A letter to a mother

Dear mom I saw at the grocery store:

I saw you there in the cold section, I was picking up yogurt for my family and you were there with your three kids – 2 in the cart and one walking beside you. Your little ones were what people affectionately call chubby, but I want you to know that cute chubbiness is going to change and what happens from there will shape your children’s lives. Your little girl, walking beside the cart, I’m guessing she was 7 or 8 and I’m sure everyone still teases her about her “baby fat” but those eating habits she has right now, they’re only going to get worse.

You see, I was that little girl the one with the baby fat. But once you hit Jr. High, no one calls it baby fat anymore. But then it’s just fat and people will still comment on it. There will be that boy who somehow gets a hold of her yearbook and writes in it cruelly, “save the whales, harpoon the fat chicks.” And there will be that girl who points and tells her that fat girls shouldn’t wear mini skirts. There will be the boy she has a crush on, the one who never looks her way and she’ll go home sad and only get sadder. And bigger.

Mom, know now that you are the one capable of changing her eating habits, of teaching her about healthy choices, fruits and vegetable and no, that doesn’t include french fries. Know that every time you offer her a candy bar or an ice cream cone when she’s sad, that only teaches her to continue to reach for those when she needs some comfort. Know that if you don’t fix it, she will have to, someday when she’s ready, if she’s ready, but that the burden of those extra pounds will cause her health problems and emotional damage that she’ll live with forever.

Mom, I know you love those kids, I could see it on your face, but I glanced in your grocery cart and honestly I don’t mean to judge, but please be careful with those choices for your babies. I know they’re kids, I know they should be able to eat fun “kid food” chips and cookies and every sugary thing in between. But they’re kids and they’ll love fruit if you give it to them, it’s sweet and natural and yes, it can be more expensive, but there is always some fruit in season or there’s frozen fruit. There are ways to do it. And you can do it!

Your window of opportunity is small, eventually this blame will leave you and fall to her. It will be her choices, those things she puts in her mouth. But right now, while she’s still little, you can  help shape her view of food and her body and her health. Right now, you still have time…

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That’s what I want to tell them, every time I see moms with “chubby” kids. It hurts me. I ache for those children because I know, first hand, how horribly cruel kids can be and it only gets worse as you grow up. I hope that letter doesn’t make it sound like I blame my own mom because I most certainly do not. Things were different when I was growing up, no one knew much about nutrition in the way that we all know now. Convenience was king and still is to some degree, but we’re having a bit of a renaissance where people are getting back to growing their own food and infusing their daily food intake with more whole foods, grains, veggies and the like. We know more now. And for right now while we prepare our kids food, it is our responsibility to teach them about healthy eating. Of course that doesn’t take into consideration the picky eaters…but that is for another blog.

The grief no one talks about

It seems we’ve covered just about everything this month, talking about lost dreams with kiddos who have special needs and/or learning disabilities and lost babies through miscarriage. It’s been a tough month, but a great month. How wonderful that we have built a forum here where women can feel comfortable talking about our loss and grief and fears and moments of joy. This is what we wanted when we started this blog, but I can honestly say I never expected the kinds of responses we’ve received so thank you all for that.

But I wanted to talk about something today that it seems us women are seriously reluctant to talk about and in truth, I thought (when I was in the midst of the feelings) that it was just me, but I’ve come to learn that my feelings were all too common and it’s time for us to open up that can of proverbial worms. So I’m gonna be brutally honest with y’all, open up all the ugliness and it makes me nervous, but I have faith that you’ll all get it.

Now some of this I can’t speak to with any kind of authority because I’m an adoptive mom, I’ve never carried a child to term. But I’m going make a bold suggestion and say that those baby blues that people talk about…they’re not exclusively caused from hormones.

Let me explain. If you’ve followed the blog for long, you know that I literally became a mother over night. We had exactly 7 days to prepare our home for our two little girls and then suddenly they were there are my house, an infant and a toddler. We’d been through extensive training, I knew what to expect as far as possible problems with the girls, their adjustment, medical issues they could have, etc. I was as prepared as you can possibly be for all of the parenting issues, even the unique ones specific to our (then) foster-care situation. What I was not prepared for though was me and my own yuck coming to the surface.

I spent my entire adult life (and frankly some of my pre-adult life) wanting to get married and be a mom. Everyone who knew me knew that I wanted three things in life: be a wife, be a mother, be a writer. Two of those happened at nearly the same time, but as I mentioned in my previous blog, motherhood seemed an elusive dream, a butterfly I simply couldn’t catch. So imagine my shock when I didn’t settle into motherhood with grace and patience and well, joy. The fact was I’m not nearly as good at this as I thought I’d be. I’m more impatient, less tolerant, and less gentle than I expected. I love children and I especially love my children, but those early days (months) were dark – primarily for me.

I woke up in the mornings cringing and literally would look at the clock and count how many hours until naptime. I was terrified of being alone with them. And I was just miserable. Of course I was exhausted, emotionally and physically, but what the hell? I wanted these kids, why was I so damn unhappy? And the tears, Good Lord, the tears, my poor husband didn’t know what the hell was going on. My mother was a life-saver because she would come over and let me nap and she helped so much with just the day-to-day care of the girls while I found my footing. I didn’t know what was going on, all I knew was that I was unhappy and the guilt because of that ate at me day and night.

And I was plagued with questions…had I made a huge mistake? I couldn’t give them back, my goodness those precious babies had already been through too much. But I didn’t feel like I was providing a better life for them, I felt like I was fumbling in the dark, trying to find the light switch. I took care of their basic needs and I cuddled them and then I would have to sneak away to the bathroom so I could cry. I felt like I had ruined our lives. My husband and I fought like crazy – something we just don’t do. He was miserable and had no idea what was going on with me.

It wasn’t until I came through all of that darkness that I could sit back and analyze it and call it for what it was. Grief. Nothing sexier than that, it was just plain old grief and I for one, suspect all parents go through it no matter how they make their families. I resented the girls and the fact that my husband and I couldn’t just go to the movies or even run to Target. I resented them because my writing life all but dried up and I felt like my career was over. It wasn’t really resentment though, I know that now, it was merely me going through the stages of grieving my old life, my old marriage, the old me. Life changes, as the saying goes and nothing changes it more than children. But no body talks about the fact that it’s okay to be sad about letting go of what was. It doesn’t make you love your kids any less to be irritated that you have to consider them and you can’t just run an errand on your own. It’s a huge adjustment and it takes a while to settle into the new you.

Now I’m not saying that post-pardum depression isn’t real, that’s a whole ‘nother ball of wax. What I am saying is that we all get those “baby blues” let’s just stop trying to think of cute terms to cover the feelings and talk about what it really is. Why should we have to silently feel guilty and wretched because we’re feeling something normal. Going through all of that didn’t make me a bad mom and it doesn’t make any of you a bad mom either.

So let’s talk about mommy grief. How was it for you? How did you get out of it? And did you recognize what it was when you were in the midst of it? 

Whiskers and hair loss and belly fat, oh my!

(me on my honeymoon – before fertility treatments)

So I’m infertile. Well, no doctor has ever come out and told me that I can’t have kids, but the evidence seems pretty conclusive. To be honest I’ve had symptoms since day 1.

I’ve had issues with my period since it first began. My cycles have always been irregular complete with horrendous cramps. I didn’t really think much of it growing up and then in my 20′s I got a big old cyst and they talked about removing an ovary, but alas it dissolved on its own (painfully, I might add). Still no one diagnosed me with anything.

Then sometime after I’d gotten married I was at the doctor (my regular physician, only I saw one of his partners) for a sinus infection and he took one look at me, looked at my chart and asked me, “so how long have you been polycystic?” I had no idea what he was talking about but by the end of the evening I had read everything I could find on-line about PCOS – polycystic ovarian syndrome. Yep, I had 90% of all of the symptoms.

(me post treatments +60 lbs)

Frankly PCOS is a really unfair disease with a slew of really unflattering side-effects. Facial hair, mine is pretty mild compared to some poor women, but still I have to pluck with regularity. Yet while we get too much hair on our face, the hair on our heads has a tendency to thin and fall out. (I mean come on!) Difficulty losing weight, yet gaining weight seems to be a breeze. Complexion problems, chronic miscarriages, irregular periods, and the list goes on…

Needless to say I made an appointment for a fertility specialist immediately. I won’t bore you with all of the details but they confirmed my diagnosis of PCOS as well as an inhospitable environment (yeah!). And we started with IUI’s (artificial insemination) – that’s when your hubby gets to make his special deposit in a cup and then you get to lay in the stirrups while they inject the magic concoction inside. Magic and romantic, I tell ya! But before the actual procedures come the meds. Lovely medications that make you super sweet (translation = scary bitch), make you gain weight and trick your body into thinking you’re pregnant so that when it’s time to take the pee stick, you’re completely convinced it’s positive.

Then come the tea leaves or at least that’s what it feels like. You pee on a stick and maybe there’s a line, so you call your hubby in the bathroom and he takes it apart (because he’s a pro at this by now) and you hold it up to the light. You take a picture of it and then upload it to your computer where you transpose the image (because that’s what all of you crazy TTCers do on-line) and then after several days of this, your period comes. And so do the tears.

(my last pregnancy test – no tea-leaf reading needed)

Friends call with pregnancy news and you’re happy for them, but inside you’re dying. You see super fertile women at the store, you know the ones, 3 kids in the buggy and one on the way and you wonder what she’s done so well that she gets to have those blessings. You hear about the drug addicts that have baby after baby while living on the street or in prison and you wonder what the hell you’ve done so wrong that you can’t do this thing. This completely natural thing that you’re supposed to be able to do because you’re a woman. It’s our purpose. It’s why we have uteruses (uteri?) and breasts and the like. Yet for some of us, all that stuff is just a slap in the face.

In the end we did 8 IUI’s, tried 4 different kinds of fertility meds and I’ve had 3 miscarriages. This last miscarriage from the surprise pregnancy (last summer) was such a risk that my doctor told us that it would be best if we never got pregnant again. It’s fine with me, frankly I really don’t want to hurt like that again.

I am a mom by the miracle of adoption and I love my girls as if I’d borne them myself. BUT I still long to be a mother the “natural” way. I still long to feel life within me, to breastfeed, to see my husband’s features (and mine) in a baby we created together. It’s a dream that’s gone now, but it’s still there, still hurts sometimes, still catches me off guard.  I don’t suppose it will ever go away. I was that girl that wanted to be a mom her whole life, it was what I felt was to be my destiny. I thought it would be easy. My mom and sister never had a problem conceiving or carrying to term. But then again the statistic is 1 in 3 women. And I’m the one…

Happy Easter

From our families to yours….Happy Easter!

Guest mom: Rhonda Peyton (Robyn’s sister!)

This is Robyn and today we have a super special guest blogger…it’s my older sister, Rhonda. I asked her to guest blog today because we’re getting close to summer vacation time and she’s a veritable expert on traveling with children regardless of their age. So without further ado…I give you my sister…

My name is Rhonda, I am the mother of 2, married to my best friend and and we have been traveling across America together for the past 20 years. As I look back on our travels I realize that not only did we travel well with young children, but have given our kids, now 20 and 18, a love for the great Road Trip. In part, passed onto me from my own childhood.

Here are the trips we’ve taken over the last 18 years.

Disney World (flew) ages 2&4
Washington DC. 3&5
W.Virginia 4&6
Florida 5&7
Colorado 6&8
Mississippi/New Orleans 7&9
Big Bend, TX 8&10
St. Louis, MO 9&11
Disney World (flew) 10&12
Tennessee 11&13
St. Louis/Chicago, IL (drove/Amtrak) 12&14
Mt. Rushmore 13$15
NY/Niagara Falls/DC. 14&16
Tennessee 14&16
California/Las Vegas/New Mexico 15&17
Wisconsin/St. Louis 16&18
Big Bend, TX 18&20
Beach trips (10 or more times) from the age of 2 and up. Corpus Christi, Galveston, Padre Island, Bolivar (all beaches in TX)

TRANSPORTATION: 5 different vans, Taurus, Suburban, Highlander, steam engine, Amtrak, subway, taxi, trolly, bus, fairy, boat and airplane.

FOOD: White table-cloth steak houses, Triple D diners, local dives, fast-food and chains.

AMUSEMENT PARKS:  Six Flags, Astroworld, Sea World, Fiesta Texas, Busch Gardens & Disney World.

ZOOS: Amarillo, TX; Ft. Worth, TX, Houston, TX, San Antonio, TX; Waco, TX; DC.; St. Louis, MO

AQUARIUMS: Corpus Christi, TX; Moody Gardens (TX); Chattanooga, TN; DC.

OTHER SIGHTS: Museums, mounments,bridges, national parks.

CAR TUNES: Joe Scruggs, Veggie Tales, various vbs, Toby Keith, George Straight, Beach Boys, WOW’s, oldies, and music from multiple shows we were in or saw.

Each time we decided on our next destination, I began the research. I think making as detailed of plan as possible is the key to having a successful and enjoyable trip. I would divide the miles to be traveled by the hours and then begin preparing my 2 lists:  the 1st list was of items we always traveled with and the 2nd list would be more specific to the particular trip at hand.

Usual list 1: gallon ziplock bags,mileage bags, cd’s, addresses & stamps, first aid, wet wipes, towels, travel cups, snacks,box of sandwich bags, books on tape, swim suits, cooler with drinks, receipt envelope, window shades, travel boxes….

Gallon bags : these I used to pack the kids clothes in. Each bag had the childs name on it and date to be worn. This helped when planning which clothes were for traveling (for comfort) , which were for parks, museums, the White House or meeting famous people like senators or Mickey Mouse! Packing in ziplocks also helped save room (like space saver bags) and made for a great way to store dirty clothes separate from clean, by putting them back in the same bag they came in. (Great for wet swim suits too)

Mileage bags: these were life-savers when traveling with small children. I used small paper bags, each numbered and labeled with kids name. Each bag usually contained 3 items : a snack (animal cookies, fruit snacks…) an activity (crayons & book, silly puddy, wipe off  bd,paper dolls, stickers…) and a character for pretending (action figure, small stuffed toy). I would divide the miles we were going to travel into small sections, like about every 90 to 120 miles and then the kids would get their bag. This helped pass the time, and taught them about mile-markers and time of travel.

CD’s : music we All liked as a family that we could sing to….without judgement.

Sandwich bags: were for all the treasures we would find during our stops and a sharpie so I could label each bag so we knew whose treasures they were and where they came from.

Travel boxes: each kid had a plastic box with a lid that could hold all their travel needs and double as a desk. This helped things not get lost, and not be so cluttered in the back seat.

Being a stay home mom with a 1 income (educator’s salary) we were usually on a tight budget, so we found ways to enjoy our trips without spending too much, especially on the traveling days. I did however, research the trip and area we would be in so if we were going to be near a park or a specific interest of 1 of ours….like my son went thru a phase where he was interested in bridges. Well when I did research I found all kinds of bridges we would have missed had I not been looking. Seeing these extras didn’t add much time to the trip and were free! Maybe you are going to be near a famous persons place, in history, like Billy the Kid or Laura Wilder. Just do a search for interest that are near where you will be traveling.

A typical, long travel day for us would have looked something like this…we packed the car the night before and had everything ready for departure, so when we woke them up all they had to do was get dressed and we would each grab our travel cups. We would leave as early as possible, before breakfast, so that we could get as many miles as possible behind us before stopping for breakfast. I know fast-food is not the healthy choice, but we would look for a stop that had one of those indoor playgrounds, this way we could eat while they played and then we would all visit the restrooms and bring any of the kids breakfast with us when we left. When we got back into the car the kids would eat and then they would get their first mileage bag. We would just talk and let the kids get the most out of their 1st mileage bag…we wanted it to entertain them for long as it could. We would then play a book on tape, music or play a car game to pass the time. ( ie… Car bingo, alphabet game.)

Our kids did not have a movie playing device for the car until they were 10 & 12, so we had to use what we had to entertain them. We tried to plan our lunch by packing one with us or we would stop and pick something up and head to the nearest park or rest area. We tried to go somewhere outside so that they could walk around and get some exercise. This is when we would use the little ziplock bags and let each kid pick up some ” treasures” rocks, acorns, a leaf….the point was to get some moving in, so that just maybe they would nap when we got back on the road. After lunch and hopefully a nap we would sometimes look for another indoor playground stop, we could get a drink, maybe a small cone, the kids could play and of course we would all go to the restroom before loading back up. The kids always knew that these stops would be short, so they were prepared for us to give them the 5 min warning and they seemed fine with it. 10 – 20 min went a long way in helping the weary traveling kid, and helping them…..helped us!

On travel days we always tried to stay in a hotel that had 3 things in common: cheap, free breakfast and a POOL! We would try to get to the hotel with enough time for us to swim, for at least 30 minutes. Swimming is great for tired, stiff muscles that have been sitting in a car all day and it makes for a great nights sleep. We liked to go out to dinner to a place with the “local” flavor. If time permitted, we would try and swim in the morning too, this would cause us to have a later start on morning 2. When scheduling our trip we tried to have our heaviest travel day on day 1 so that day 2 could be lighter. If we had several days of travel in front of us then we often alternated long then short travel days.

We have traveled 35 of the 50 states, we even had one of our new teenage drivers get his driving hours in 25 of those states. We have seen the Grand Canyon, Pala Duro canyon, the white sands desert, Hoover Dam, Niagara Falls,the Statue of Liberty, the Washington Monument, the giant red woods, the Gulf of Mexico, the Atlantic and the Pacific, Crater Lake and a great lake, the mountains of Colorado, the Smokies in Tennessee and all the plains in between….memories for a lifetime

My advice, make your trips as personal as you can, for your family. Maybe you and your family like a specific food show, make a list of places and dishes you would like to try. Maybe architecture is interesting or battlefields, maybe courthouses, Route 66 , national monuments or windmills…..whatever your family finds interesting will add to your family trips. When crossing state lines stop at the welcome centers, they have clean restrooms, complimentary maps, information about state wide attractions and often a state-themed activity book for kids. Just do your homework so you know how much things cost, so you can plan for it. Be prepared for plans to change due to unforeseen things that Will come up. Rain closed an attraction, sick kids, car trouble….we have sat on the side of the road and played cards or gone to a movie because of a rained out attraction. Don’t let things outside of your control ruin your trip, you are making memories…make them good ones!

Souvenirs. We did like to buy post cards to send to family, friends, teachers…we helped the kids write them until they were old enough to do it themselves. We sent them to a variety of people depending on when and where we went. Our souvenirs were not always the same but we did have some usuals. I like coffee mugs & christmas ornaments, my daughter liked bells or playing cards my son liked things that were specific to the trip, sometimes both son and husband got hats. We also liked getting music from someone we had seen on our trip or a soundtrack from a musical or show that we got to see. We tried to keep them to small items, with a few exceptions…like the walking stick my son had to have and has traveled with us to every park since. He has it with us on this trip we are currently taking to Big Bend and we are also listening to our soundtract from Grease that we got to see on Broadway.

We have a shell luggage carrier we put on top of our car, so that everything inside the car is for traveling purpose and that gives us a lot more room. The luggage carrier makes our vehicle look like a turtle and so that is what we call it, it also makes it easy to find in a crowded parking lot. As we take this trip to Big Bend and plan for a summer wedding trip to Gatlinberg, I am mindful that any of these trips could be the last “family” trip we take. My kids will both be in college next year and our lives are changing daily. I cherish the travels and adventures we have had and look forward to getting postcards from them when they travel with their own families some day. I wish you safe and happy travels, now go make some memories!

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Rhonda Peyton is a wife and mother. She’s a former Dance Team instructor and taught high school for ten years. She’s the sister of the fabulously famous Robyn DeHart.

Having grown up children means the chaos of everyday life takes on a different perspective. The only peanut butter I have on my keyboard is actually sticky fingers on my iPad when my grandchildren come to visit. They love watching Mickey Mouse cartoons, and of course Nanny’s chocolate cake, and jelly sandwiches always end up on the screen.

This post is for all you writing mothers out there. I came to writing after I retired from teaching. (I did retire young!) Years of regimented schedules with a husband, two children, assorted cats and dogs, a house to run as well as full time work theoretically prepared me for a structured writing career.

Ha. Didn’t work out like that. Even though I try, I still live in chaos. Deadlines are always met at the last minute; I spend way too much time on social networking and always have my best ideas in the middle of the night and don’t write them down.

But there was one thing that I knew how to do well. Years in the corporate world taught me how to market and promote and I was very successful establishing my brand as an author prior to publication.

My debut novel with Entangled Publishing, Holiday Affair,  stayed in the Amazon best seller lists for  twelve months after release and I decided to write a little ‘how to’ book to share my marketing strategies with aspiring authors. Imagine my surprise when that little marketing book also went straight to the bestseller lists!

Promotional Tips and Tricks for Aspiring Authors in the Digital Landscape.

So now between deadlines for my Entangled series books, I am writing another ‘how to’ book. I hope if you read them, they help you on your journey!

Come on down to the beach and visit with me http://annieseatonromance.com

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Annie Seaton lives on the beautiful east coast of Australia, where she loves sitting in her writing chair, gazing at the ocean and writing stories. She has always been fascinated by all things historical and has found her niche writing romance, ranging from contemporary, paranormal and a foray into steampunk, where strong heroines and brooding heroes fight together to make their alternative world a better place!

Annie lives with her husband, and ‘Bob’ the dog and two white cats, in a house next to the beach in a small coastal town of New South Wales. Their two children are grown and married and she loves spending time gardening, walking on the beach and spoiling her two grandchildren.

A Heaping Helping of Mother’s Guilt with guest mom, Melinda B. Pierce

“Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.” ~ Cathy Guisewite

I’d like to thank Robyn for the invitation, and all the ladies of Peanut Butter on the Keyboard for allowing me to guest post today with what I feel may turn into a sticky subject for some.

Pick any day of the week, and if you walk into my house past 8 p.m., you’ll find me in a tired heap on the couch, kid toys strewn across the living room, baby crunchies stuck to the highchair and littered on the floor, and I’ll be smiling like a happy fool at the chaos.  I love being a mom and all that comes with it – the late night bottle feedings, the older child crawling into our bed after a bad dream, the giggles, the grossness, the slobbery baby kisses, and the endless I love yous.

In fact, if a literary fairy godmother stopped by my house tomorrow and offered me the choice of being the perfect mother with the catch of never being able to write again, or being a NYT and USA Today bestselling author but having to give up being the moderately decent mother I already am, I’d choose being a mother and giving up writing in half a heartbeat. I think any author mom worth her weight in coupons would agree. My kids always come first. That’s a true statement, but if it’s so true, why do I still feel so much guilt when it comes to taking time away from them for writing?

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a one-day writers’ conference and I spoke with another author mom about this very subject.  We were commenting on how glad we were to be able to leave the kids at home with hubby and attend this conference.  How we were so lucky it was within driving distance from our homes. That yes, we’d love to attend the bigger RWA Nationals and RT Booklovers conferences, but that would mean leaving our children behind for a little less than a week and asking others to care for them. What was really stopping us? We agreed it was the not so simple answer of mother’s guilt.

I looked up an online definition of guilt, and what I think hit home the most was from The Free Dictionary – Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.

This is the same guilt that had me leave my job as contracts manager with an up and coming publisher about six months ago because putting my newborn in daycare while working at home seemed selfish, yet giving the job my full attention with a baby in my arms was impossible.  The same guilt that put a complete stop to my writing because my oldest was becoming a problem child in her kindergarten class, and I needed to take my writing time in the afternoons to spend more time just being with her.

But where does all this guilt come from?  And I know I’m not the only author mom feeling this way. Is it something learned from our own mothers, or something society teaches us?  Once during a very frazzled day and dealing with both kids, making decisions about work, and having an overall melt down, I yelled at my husband that I couldn’t do it ALL.  Of course you can, he’d answered – you’re a mom.

He was right.  Of course I could do it all, but I had to ask myself could I do it all well? And if I couldn’t give other commitments, like working full-time and writing part-time, one hundred percent, while also giving my kids what I believed they needed, then maybe I had to reevaluate my life and some things had to go. Not forever, just for as long as it took to rid myself of the overwhelming guilt that was consuming my thoughts and affecting my daily life. And it had turned into more than just mother’s guilt. It was guilt about leaving my boss when she needed me, letting down my critique partners, and even the guilt of not spending enough time with my husband. Some of the weight had to be lifted, and I was the only one who could make the decision to do it.

Now, I can already feel some of you shaking your heads in disagreement and possibly tsk-tsking me for saying what I’ve said out loud. Working and writing keeps you sane.  If your kids see that writing makes you happy, then they’ll be happy for you.  If your kids see you chasing after your dreams and working hard, they’ll respect that working hard is part of chasing after your dreams.  I’m not discounting any of the previous statements. You are also right, and you are doing what is right for you and your family.

I’m speaking more to the author moms who are nodding their heads in agreement and feel the same weight pulling them down that I felt so many months ago, and at times still feel trying to pull me under.  I think it is okay to say you are putting your own dreams on hold for the sake of your children. I don’t have any guilt in typing that statement. It’s not an excuse for not wanting to work hard and it’s by no means giving up.  It’s allowing yourself to relax, eliminate stress, and know that the writing will always be there, but your kids will eventually grow up and need you less and less.

I’m not a therapist, and I don’t have all the answers or even the right answers for each individual situation. Like I’ve said, I’ve given up plenty for my kids, and the guilt I feel can still fill the bed of a rusty pickup truck.  Doing what’s right for you and your family isn’t an easy science, but to me it is worth taking the time to evaluate, and to know that you aren’t alone no matter what direction you take.

I’d love to hear from some of you in the comments. Do you suffer from mother’s guilt when it comes to your writing? If so, how do you handle it? If not, what could you say to those who do? How long would you be willing to put your writing on hold for your kids?

Thanks for stopping by, and always Happy Writing!

~Melinda

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Melinda B. Pierce is an author hobbyist, mother of two, and self-proclaimed trophy wife – although her husband defines her as being more high maintenance than anything else.  When she has time she writes in almost every sub-genre of romance and refuses to follow the path of most resistance.  Connect with her on twitter @MelindaBPierce

So not a nurse

Okay so here’s where I tell you one of the many ways in which I shall not win mother or wife of the year. I am a terrible nurse-maid. I don’t like to be around sick people, they’re gross and hot and smelly and I just would rather send them to their rooms and let them fend for themselves. You can see how this is not going to work well with my 4 year old and 2 year old. I can deal with it most illnesses, but frankly I am terrified of vomit. We’re talking live in fear. I mean if a member of my family mentions having an upset stomach, I get those uncomfortable butterflies – okay they feel more like pelicans, but you get my drift.

Case in point….the other night…okay wait, let me set this up better. First and foremost, I was on a serious deadline, I was crazy tired and super stressed….like, holy-crap-I-have-to-write-10,000words-in-2-days-stressed. Okay so that was me, like a ball of charming nerves, as you can imagine and The Professor tells me that his stomach is upset. I do what I can to help – give him cold, wet rags for his head and neck like my mom always did. It didn’t help.

After he vomited the first time, I explained that he was going to need to relocate himself to the couch downstairs. Now before you think I’m completely heartless, let me explain. I figured if he had a stomach bug, I needed to get him away from me so that I wouldn’t catch it in case the kids got sick too. Yes, I realize that at that point I would have already been exposed, still I was quite serious. So after vomit #2, I sent him on his way. Then I Lysoled the hell out of my bedroom & bathroom. He was sad, rightly so. I mean who wants to be banished when they feel like crap? No, we all want someone to take care of us. But nope, I sent him downstairs. I did make his bed for him and sat with him for a little while.

And I told him that if he didn’t vomit again for 2 more hours he could come back upstairs to our bed because then we would know it was just food poisoning. He never came upstairs because he said he was too weak. In any case it was just food poisoning, but it was a hellish night for both of us. I was up like every hour checking on the girls with every little noise to make sure they weren’t aspirating in their sleep.

So there it is. I don’t do well with the sick stuff. I realize that one of these days my family is going to get a stomach bug and I shall have to face my fears. It’s really a miracle it hasn’t happened yet. And I even deserve it because I was a total puker growing up. But I really fear that day and hope it’s a long, long way away. How about y’all, how do you do taking care of sick family members?

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I’m Robyn DeHart, AKA Basket-Case Mama, but not because I’m crazy (though really, what mom isn’t?) but because I have a slight obsession with baskets, well containers really. I’m a bit of an organization nut and I love to containerize stuff. And yes, I’m authorized to use words like that because I am also a writer. But back to the kids, so I’m mom to two ridiculously beautiful little girls and I can say that without bragging because I didn’t actually make them. Last year my husband, The Professor, and I adopted said little lovelies from the foster-care system here in Texas and now we’re a big happy forever family. Busybee is three and so full of joy it just oozes from her. Babybee is a walking-talking toddler who has a heck of a temper but is so cute, it almost keeps her out of trouble. Though neither of my girls are newborns, I’m fairly new to motherhood compared to the other peanut butter moms, but we’ve settled in as a family as if we’ve always been together. When I’m not trying to keep up with my two bundles of energy, you can usually find me on my laptop on Pinterest, no, that’s not right, um…you can find me writing, yes, that’s it, writing my latest historical romance. www.robyndehart.com

The Comeback Kid: Guest Christy Gissendaner

Errr…perhaps the title should be The Comeback with Kids!

Back in 2006, after a couple years of writing, I met (and married) my first ever boyfriend. Within a few short months, I was pregnant with baby #1. By the time 2008 came to an end, I was the proud mama of three bouncing baby boys. And before you ask, yes I do know what causes back-to-back pregnancies. Raise your hand if you’re a mother of more than one child and complete strangers ask if you “know what causes that”.  Why yes, I do, Strange Person. Apparently I know all TOO well what causes “that”.

Unfortunately I had to put away my keyboard to raise my rapidly expanding family.  No easy task when you work eight to five, trust me! In May of last year, I decided it was time. All my boys were potty-trained, the oldest was in pre-k, and I was ready to make my foray back into the world of romance. I dusted off and subbed a couple of manuscripts I’d stashed in my WIP folder. Then I sat down and furiously pounded out some new works. I write under two pen names, so I took turns with each.  By then end of 2012, I’d acquired seven contracts and had already released three works. I patted myself on the back for a job well done and kept plugging away at my keyboard.

Writing is the easy part. Even with three boys underfoot, somehow I managed to keep them entertained (i.e. distracted) as I worked. But as book after book came out, the hard part reared its ugly head. The most dreaded of all words…promotion! So in between cooking, cleaning, and writing I also had to find the time to visit blogs, arrange book tours, and hassle with social media. I tell you, it’s amazing how much the publishing world changed since 2006! Back then, Facebook was just gaining a foothold and Twitter wasn’t yet a household name…that I know of, at least. So here I was doing my dangest to keep up with it all. It was an everyday struggle. Finally something just had to give…

Since I wasn’t giving up writing and I most definitely wasn’t giving up my kids, I had to let my online presence slip. I console myself with the knowledge one day I’ll be uber-famous and can hire my very own publicity person. I mean, I’m good but I’m not that good. I’m not Superwoman and I do have to sleep at some point. So for me it was a no brainer. If I want to write, then write. So that’s what I’m doing…even if I do have Spongebob playing on the tv, stray toys beneath my feet, and crumb trails across my desk.

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Christy Gissendaner is a romantic comedy author for Entangled and Liquid Silver Books. She believes laughter and love should go hand in hand.
She lives in Alabama with her husband and three sons and is always hard at work on her next novel, but in her spare time she loves blackjack, karaoke, and anything resembling a vacation!

Christy also writes historical romance as Robin Danner. Check her out at http://christygissendaner.webs.com and http://robindanner.webs.com.

 

Let’s get crafty!

So here we are upon another holiday and if your kiddos are in school or some daycare or Mother’s Day Out program, it’s time for Valentine’s Day parties. Last year when I did this, I ended up buying 2 boxes for each girl even though there are only 10 kids (total) in their classes. The girls wanted the princess and fairy ones, but I didn’t feel right about giving those to the boys in their classes so we got boy stuff to hand out as well. And many of the Valentine’s come with temporary tattoos – I’m not sure how y’all feel about this, but I’d rather not introduce my children to tattoos just yet.

Needless to say, this year I decided we’d make our own and hand those out. The girls would get to participate and it would mean more than me sitting down one night and addressing all of them for their friends. This way they’d know what they were giving away and they could say they helped to make it. And I thought it would be a fun project for us and for reasons I can’t explain I thought it would be cheaper.

First it was not cheaper. BUT I will say that all of the supplies I bought can be used/eaten at at later date so nothing will go wasted. And we did have a great time. They loved it. I don’t know if those of you with small children have played with the foam stickers, but my girls love them. Even Babybee is quite adept at peeling off the back paper and sticking them on whatever they’re decorating. Busybee even got to write her own name on each of her Valentine, she was quite proud of herself for that.

One of the things I like most about doing crafts with my girls is to see their personalities come out. Babybee is very methodical and precise (pretty amazing for a 2.5 yr old) and Busybee likes to over-do, so her stuff always comes out very decorated. It’s great to see how they create and use their imaginations.

I found the recipe for the “trail” mix on Pinterest, so I can’t take credit for it, but I used Cheerios, Goldfish Pretzels, Yogurt-covered raisins, Valentine M&M’s and Chocolate Teddy Grahams. I think they came out cute and I hope their classmates enjoy them.

So do y’all craft with your kiddos? Do they enjoy doing arts & crafts?