The love I wasn’t expecting

10447061_469921366444635_6776470002636467206_nLong before I became a mother, before I got married, before we started trying and then doing fertility treatments, before the failed adoption and then ultimately he successful one…I know that I would have no problem loving kiddos. No matter how they fell into my life, I knew that I had a heart for kids. I’ve always been that girl, you probably went to school with someone like me, or maybe you were the one like me, the one who loved children and who mothered all her friends.

Then the girls came, dropped into our lives like tiny explosions, and I loved them immediately. Or perhaps I merely felt protective of them. Even when it was so hard and The Professor and I would cry and wonder what we had done to our lives, I knew no matter how hard it was, we would be their constant. They’d already had so much, too much, in their little lives. We would be the ones who never left, no matter what. Just as we had made a commitment to each other on our wedding day, the day we accepted those girls into our house, we made a commitment to them.

And just as any family, we’ve had highs and lows, challenges and successes (yeah, Babybee is finally potty trained!!!). And I love them. Oh, how I love them with a fierceness that takes my breath away. It doesn’t surprise me, that love, even the depth of it. Sometimes I think I always loved them, the love was there just waiting for them to absorb it. But there is something that surprises me and that is the fierceness at how they love me.

Perhaps that’s silly, or perhaps you too have been surprised by the love of your own children. Sometimes Babybee will hug me so tightly, squeezing my neck with her little arms and she’ll whisper in my ear, “Mommy, I love you so much.” Then Busybee with give me one of her brilliant smiles and giggle and tell me we’re having so much fun & she loves me to the moon. I can say without a shred of arrogance that I am the center of their universe (The Professor too, but this is my blog…) As unconditionally as I love them, they love me in return and for whatever reason, I never once considered this when I thought about becoming a mother. And frankly it thrills me and terrifies me (it’s a lot of pressure to live up to the way they see me) and it takes my breath away.

8 thoughts on “The love I wasn’t expecting

  1. Very moving post and I am so glad for your happiness and that of your girls. My mother spent her life punishing her children and breaking our spirit. I said to her once, ‘Mum, you’ve done an incredible thing. Babies come into the world preprogrammed to love and adore their mothers and you have taken that love and turned it into something bitter and sad. That’s quite an achievement.’ Her response; ‘I don’t care.’ So, sadly, not all women ought to be mothers or have the love within them to give out to even to their own babies. My son, now 25, has recently shown a maturity and love for me in a difficult time which I am grateful for but hadn’t expected. It reminds me that allowing others to love us back is also a generous gift.

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  2. Lovely! I always say that I love my kids more every day. There’s something about the accumulation of experiences, good and bad that builds up that bond. I’m not sure I can say the same for them, but I’d like to think so. ☺ And of course there is the balance of nurturing the bond and encouraging them to spread their wings and be independent.

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  3. Perfectly, beautifully said. The hugs and the “I love yous” make all the hard parts so worth it. Also, where is that pool? You have it all to yourself! I need to take PG there 🙂

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  4. Love this post! I wasn’t the girl that wanted kids. I was sure that I didn’t. Then, at the age of 23, I found out that despite precautions, my fiance (of 2 years) and I were expecting. Talk about a shock! We married that year, have now been together 17 years & have 2 fantastic kids. I love them with a fierceness I didn’t know I possessed. They are my joy & my heart. I try my best to remember every day how lucky I am that things didn’t go as I’d planned! 🙂

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