Well, I’m a romance writer and…come on, it’s Valentine’s Day.
Edit: I wanted to add this upfront, I understand that giving marriage advice is dicey. There is not a one size fits all solution to marriage. I’m not in anyone’s marriage but mine. If you feel like some of this post rings true for you, then that’s fantastic. If not, then it isn’t pointing a finger at you, or putting you down in any way. I felt like that was important to add!
So, I was perusing the webs, as one is wont to do, and I came across a poem, (I was going to link you, honestly, but I can’t find it again. ARGH) spoofing the non-children’s book Go the F*&^% to Sleep, and it’s called, Let Me Go the F&^*& to Sleep. It’s about wife who’s tired and wants her husband to stop touching her and let her to the eff to sleep.
It was funny, and I’m not going to be one of those people who can’t appreciate the funny of it just because I disagree with…most of it. Because humor is humor, and we naturally want to go BIG with humor, because that’s what makes it funny.
So, I’m not picking on the woman who wrote this. BUT…it got me thinking.
It’s really easy to make those kinds of jokes. It’s in so many sitcoms. A woman with a headache is basically as cliche and well worn as a cop with a donut. The husband always wants sex, the wife has a headache. (By the way, orgasms have been known to take headaches away so…) The rejection of the husband, the annoyance of the wife at his advances, is played for laughs, and no feelings are hurt.
This is actually something that bothers me. A lot. Because, darn it, you guys, if my husband acted like he just wasn’t that into me it would not be something I could brush off. If every time I touched him he reacted in annoyance, or like I was asking too much of him, it would affect me deeply.
Why doesn’t my husband find me attractive? Why doesn’t he want me? What did I do?
Sex in our society is such a funny thing. It’s played for laughs and to make people cringe. It offends, it shocks, it titillates. Sex as an act of love isn’t shown very often. Romance novels are the medium that show it most, I think, and they’re derided and put on the same level as porn which, I don’t know about you, but last time I checked was not about deep emotional connections.
We’ve removed sex from what it is in popular culture. An act of bonding, an act of love (and fun, heck yeah, but it’s these deep things too!).
So when we smack our husband’s hand away, we’re rejecting sex…but what if we’re rejecting a showing of love? Or his reaching out and seeking to bond? What if he feels like we’re rejecting HIM? Again, if I came onto him and he pushed me away, I would be peeved. I would feel rejected, I WOULD feel like my love was being rejected.
And ladies, this is obviously a blog whose primary audience is women, so we’re in the hot seat in this post, but this does go for men who do this to their wives as well. Marriage is a two way street, and one person can’t do all the work. I’m not trying to be accusatory at all, and clearly we all have different situations and different marriages. Some situations are much more complicated than this and there are other hurts that are preventing intimacy, and I do understand that. To those people, this clearly isn’t for you.
But I am guilty of the the occasional thoughtless rejection. A resentful eye roll when he tries to pull me to him and kiss me in the middle of the day cuz I AM BUSY AND STUFF. And I love my husband. I am guilty of feeling like ‘why are you asking this of me at the end of a long day?’ Well, why am I denying him closeness at the end of his long day? Why am I copping attitude when he’s showing me love in his way? Do I only want his demonstrations of love on my terms and when I’m ready to accept them? That’s not fair at all.
It’s easy to say that this isn’t important, or until we work out A and B, sex doesn’t need to be a priority. But I think it should be. Because it’s something you share as a husband and wife that you don’t share with anyone else. It’s one of the unique and beautiful things in your relationship and that nobody else has with you or with him.
Just like we need to feel wanted and attractive, desire and loved, our husbands need to feel that too.
That funny poem got me pondering this whole thing from a different angle. Strange how that works.
Happy Valentines Day! And I hope you feel the love. 😉
peanut butter on the keyboard 
I’ve done a lot of research on this subject, and often lack of sex is indicative of many other problems in the relationship. The relationship between you and your husband as evidenced by your posts is a strong one. He helps around the house and with the children. But many women, after kids, bear the brunt of the workload and are quite simply, exhausted. Maybe they also experience hormonal issues which cause lack of desire, or weight gain which makes them feel terrible about their bodies. Add some arguments with your husband day after day, and you have the basis for resentment. Women tend to hold onto things for a long, long time and that doesn’t bear well for intimacy.
Throw in a husband who’s not romantic anymore, or unimaginative or selfish in bed. One who has perhaps let himself go in the health and weight dept. Is it any wonder why the wife wouldn’t be rushing to the bedroom (unless it’s to sleep)?
If your relationship is a strong and healthy one, sex usually isn’t a problem. But sadly, for a lot of women, their relationships are severely lacking in some way, and the most obvious way that dysfunction manifests is through sex–or lack thereof.
LikeLike
As mentioned in the post, I do understand that there are complicating factors, and I’m not trying to simplify that. Not in the least! And I also mentioned, it’s a two way street, we’re not in marriage alone. We can’t hold it up alone. And I’m suggesting we should!
Yes, my husband and I do have a strong relationship, but even with that, I know I’ve hurt him by giving him the brush off on more than one occasion because I’m guilty of becoming too focused on other things, and not considering the emotional fallout for him, because it’s easy to separate a man’s desire for sex from emotion.
Though, I will add that I think communication is SO important. I think good communication is the source of the strength in my marriage. Again, this isn’t something a person can do all alone, you have to have a husband who communicates back, but it IS important to try.
I’ll say again so there’s no hurt or confusion: this post is not for everyone, and it’s not a scolding, or finger pointing. If it doesn’t ring true for your marriage, then it’s not for you.
LikeLike
A few years ago, a bunch of my friends and I realized that we were the ones who were getting brushed off by our husbands. I don’t think someone had slipped uglifyiing powder into our margaritas, so it probably had something to do with the variety of stresses our husbands were under. Just mentioning this because each of us felt we must be the only woman in the world who was going through that, given the old jokes about the wife with the headache. (PSA over.)
It may sound corny or too pop-psychology, but I think the 5 Love Languages (TM) 🙂 are worth thinking about. But I also think it’s important to speak love in all five, just so your bases are covered. Will try to remember that today. Thanks for the kick in the butt, Maisey!
LikeLike
Amanda, I agree. I read that book shortly after The Professor and I got married and frankly it was better than any of the pre-marital “counseling” we got. It really highlighted our differences to me and we work hard to speak each others languages. Great point!
LikeLike
Amanda, this is yet another reason I think those ‘headache’ stereotypes are harmful. When women are in a situation where it’s the man with a diminished libido, it feels abnormal. I’m glad you had friends who were honest about it.
AND I agree! The five love language post we had on here was really helpful for us. We both took the quiz and found it really thought provoking…and it caused that communication stuff!
LikeLike
I missed that post! Will go look it up now. Thanks!
LikeLike
I loved this blog, Maisey, and couldn’t agree with you more. And as someone who suffers from chronic headaches…the research doesn’t lie. There have been times in my life when intimacy has been too difficult, primarily after my miscarriages, and we’ve worked hard to stay close in other ways during those times. But marriage is difficult as everyone says. Well, marriage is difficult when you add kids in the mix, that’s really the kicker. And somedays I am too tired and too whatever to feel interested and some days I do say no, but other times I give him time even if I don’t feel like it and always I feel better afterwards. Bonding with him that way. I guess it’s kind of like exercise – I don’t want to do it, but I’m always glad I did afterwards. *snort* Thanks, Maisey!
LikeLike
Robyn, I’m with you…sometimes I don’t want to, but I’m never sorry! 😉 And that’s the thing…marriage is work. Sometimes intimacy is work but that doesn’t mean you forsake it.
LikeLike
Great blog, Maisey! You have given me a lot to think about and work on.
LikeLike
Shana, I’m glad you liked it! We all have lots to work on. 😉 That’s part of life, right?
LikeLike
Sex is an important part of a good marriage or romantic relationship. When there’s sex, there’s a vulnerability–a willingness to trust, to simply BE together–that you can’t get any way else.
I loved this post, Maisey!!
LikeLike
Beautifully said, Kieran. You do have to put a lot of things aside to have sex with someone. Sometimes it’s the thing that opens doors to conflict resolution. Because you both drop anger to get there, and then after you can actually talk.
LikeLike
Amen, sister. I always get grumpy when I see the sex dynamic portrayed that way in the media. Especially in comedies/sitcoms, husbands are often portrayed as these horny, goofy guys and the women have to “put up with” their nonsense and advances. Sex is a “favor.” Ugh. Yes, it can be funny at time, but it’s so overdone.
And I agree with you. Sex and physical affection are often the ways a guy most easily connects and shows love. And really, if we’re tired or stressed or whatever, often the hardest part is just saying yes and getting started. Afterwards and during (as long as a husband knows what he’s doing *ahem*), we’re probably going to feel a whole lot better and less tired than before. : )
And to speak to the comment above, yes, there are lots of issues that can get in the way. But I agree with your response, communication is key. If a husband is selfish in bed, call him on it and tell/show him what you need to be interested. If you have some resentment building over something, talk about it and get it out in the open. And if there is truly a lack of interest even though your marriage is strong, look into medical issues. As someone who discovered a few years into my marriage that birth control pills killed my libido and put me in some hormonal imbalance, I know how drastically something like that can affect interest. But don’t let it just slide. Sex is an important part of a happy marriage and shouldn’t be looked at as a chore.
Here’s wishing everyone a sexy Valentine’s Day with their partner! 🙂
LikeLike
Ugh. Roni, I could go on endlessly about that attitude. It’s that old idea that women are the keepers of sex. If a woman gets pregnant outside of marriage SHE should have said no, because men will be men. The husband wants sex, and he must beg his wife. Women don’t want sex, they use it. BLAH. That could be a whole blog post on its own.
I agree with everything you say here. For me, thinking of it in terms of rejecting more than ‘sex’ when I reject my husband’s advances strikes a chord. It’s not what I want for my marriage. It’s not a hurt I want to make my husband feel. And recognizing that a desire for sex IS connected to emotion makes the rejection of it weightier, at least to me.
And communication is so important. It’s great to have friends to talk to, but at the end of the day, you have to bring it all to your husband. You can’t do all the communicating on your own, obviously, but you have to be willing to share what’s going on with you.
I have a friend who told her husband very frankly: Look, I work 40 hours a week, you work 40 hours a week, but I do ALL the housework. I’m not trying to hold sex hostage, but I’m tired. If you want me to stay awake for sex? Maybe help me out a bit.
He started helping with housework. 😉
LikeLike
I think your post is very well written, and I agree with everything you say! But it presumes that the woman’s rejection is of a man’s intimate or affectionate overtures. But all too often, men DO divorce sex from emotion (even when the sex is with someone they love).
I’m sorry, guys, but the boob is not an on switch. If you honk it and expect your wife to suddenly be dying for sex, you deserve to be brushed off. 🙂
There may be some training from our childhoods, too. Boys are supposed to be into sex, to have uncontrollable urges, and poor things, they just can’t help it. Girls are trained to resist, to protect themselves against unfeeling, unthinking boys who have this thing they need to mindlessly stick somewhere (and allowing it can have dire consequences). This is training during our formative years, and I often wonder how much that comes into play in our relationship dynamics once they’re unnecessary.
LikeLike
I do agree re culture. See my response to Roni. 😉
I’m sure sometimes the drive is simply sexual, however, I also think that the rejection could still have emotional impact. Does that make sense? That even if he’s not reaching out for emotional connections, but physical satisfaction, that the rejection could hit deeper. Especially if the rejection was habitual. I know it would go deeper for my husband, and as he’s the only one I’ve got, perhaps that limits my perspective. 😉
Good communication, though, can eliminate so many issues! Otherwise we’re only guessing at why each other does things. And hey, husbands as a breed have a lot they need to work on, but my assumption is, of course, that mainly women read this blog, so this was directed accordingly. But no one side of the marriage can do ALL the work. 😉
LikeLike
Fully agreed! 🙂
LikeLike
Fantastic and thought-provoking post, Maisey. I’ve been thinking about it all day, with a whole wide range of thoughts and observations flitting through my mind….
You are SO right about the whole rejection thing. If you reach for someone, and they say no, it’s hard not to feel rejected, especially if it’s a pattern, and over and over and over you reach, only to be turned away. And I think as a spouse, one of the most critical lessons (skills?) you can learn is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. In their heart…soul. But it kinda goes against human nature. We, as humans, tend to be programmed to take care of ourselves, our own wants and needs. It’s a survival thing. So when you’ve got the one spouse exhausted, for example, and the other one wanting a little intimacy, I think what’s also going on is the exhausted partner is thinking, omigod, why can’t he/she see that I’m exhausted? why don’t they care that I’m exhausted? Why can’t they put my needs/feelings/wants ahead of their own for a change? (Which leads to all kinds of resentment.) So you’ve got this dangerous rock and a hard place dynamic, where each person is seeing the situation through their own wants/needs, rather than the other persons, and regardless of whether intimacy occurs or not, one partner is going to be left feeling rejected/invalidated. But one of the real keys with marriage comes from wanting to take care of the other person as fiercely as you take care of yourself. In other words, it comes from the tired partner recognizing that wow, I’m so tired, but I’m hurting him/her, and I don’t want to do that…AND the intimacy-craving partner recognizing that wow…look at him/her. They’re exhausted. They’ve worked so hard today. What can I do to help? (Hence the previous comment about helping with housework. Slaving solo over housework while the other partner chills out, watching TV, ain’t much of an aphrodisiac!)
I know I’m rambling…I’m just kinda thinking aloud here, with the bottom line being that both parties in a marriage need to step outside themselves and slip into their partner’s shoes…heart…soul. AND that what happens in the bedroom is the culmination of what’s been happening all day long. It’s not a switch. You can’t turn things off the second the lights go out. Togetherness begets togetherness.
Which leads to one other thing I’m passionate about and have thought about putting into a blog. Flirting. Falling in love is so much fun. Everyone loves that phase where your senses are alive and engaged. There are smiles and laughter, teasing, winking, holding hands, maybe a little pinch of the butt or a tickle war…all those fun things that just really bring you alive. But I’ve observed over time that much of that goes away after the vows are made and life takes over. I look at people around me, and it’s sobering how many married couples I see that don’t touch or share private smiles, hardly even look at each other. And I can’t help but think this lack of flirting can manifest itself into problems in the bedroom…and I strongly suspect it’s why a lot of affairs happen. Everyone likes to be made feel special. Simple things, a smile, a wink, a note left on a mousepad, can go a real far way. This is one of the most important gifts we can give our spouse.
Sorry for rambling…just have lots of thoughts swimming around right now. Thanks for stirring them up!
LikeLike
It’s not a ramble, Ellie! It’s so valuable. And very true! I completely agree with you. We have to be willing (we as in both members of a couple) to look beyond ourselves and consider our spouse’s feelings before out own. If we both did that? Marriage would be a beautiful thing.
And I loved your flirting post. Completely agree with that as well.
A friend and I were talking today and we came to this conclusion: A good marriage isn’t a marriage without problems. A good marriage is a marriage you work on.
I also think good marriages don’t happen on accident!
LikeLike
Maisey said, “I also think good marriages don’t happen on accident!”
You know this is so very true. It actually reminds me of a quote from a Stephanie Bond workshop that I went to ages ago and she said that “good writing is not accidental.” Those words echoed through my mind in that moment and frankly revolutionized my writing.
Anything worth having is worth the work to get it!
LikeLike