Starting One Parent, One Child Traditions

Every year when it comes to holidays, our family tries really hard to continue past traditions and think up of at least one new tradition to start. For some reason, before now I’ve never really thought of starting a non-holiday tradition for an individual child.

It all started when, about a month ago, 3.5 year-old SuperGirl stopped taking naps (I still cry a little over this). I think it took a full week of trying to put her down and having her get up for my husband and I to realize that this was it. The day had come. Naps were a thing of the past!

Then, it took me another week to realize that this was something I could take advantage of in terms of building my relationship with SuperGirl, as every other time WonderGirl is always with us. I actually only have one shift during the week with SuperGirl during naptime–Tuesdays, the day when I go to Bible study in the morning and our usual schedule gets shifted around.

I finally thought of something we could do every Tuesday together, something that would not only bring us closer together because it’s something only she and I do, but something that’s good for the entire family: cooking!

Specifically, cooking desserts. In my continual effort to keep my husband from bringing junk food into the house, it seemed like a good idea to make a sweet treat once a week that could last us until the next week. And since SuperGirl already has a sweet tooth, this way I can teach her how to make better-for-you desserts (for us, that means vegan; although we try not to use oil in other recipes, I’ve found that some desserts just aren’t the same without it, so I make an exception).

Last Tuesday was our first Dessert Day–a new tradition for just SuperGirl and myself. We looked through some of my cookbooks, and she chose to make a Blueberry Coffee Cake with Cinnamon Walnut Crumble Topping (from Let Them Eat Vegan!, if interested). It was delicious!

This coming Tuesday (tomorrow) she’s chosen to make a Red Velvet Cake with Buttercream Frosting (from The Vegan Table…just typing that recipe name is making my mouth water). So far I approve of her choices! And I have to say that on my own, I might never be so adventurous; in fact, the coffee cake was the first “cake” I’ve ever made!

But Dessert Day is not the only tradition I’m creating with SuperGirl; I decided to also take a picture each week with SuperGirl and the dessert she creates, a sort of photo collection we’ll be able to look through in the future and see not only how much she grows over time, but all the different things we’ve created. Since I’ve come up with a million excuses in the past for why I always forget to take pictures now that the girls are toddlers, this is a great weekly reminder.

Here’s a picture of SuperGirl with her first creation, the Blueberry Coffee Cake. =)

Do you have any specific traditions you practice with your child apart from the holidays? Or if you haven’t gone so far as to call it a tradition, what is something special the two of you do together?

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I’m Elise Rome, AKA Midnight Mama because I’m usually burning the midnight oil. If SuperGirl (3, with a speech delay) and WonderGirl (2, my very own hip attachment) aren’t getting up in the middle of the night, then I’m busy working on writing and writing-related business until morning. Both my husband and I stay home with the girls (he’s a writer, too! www.lukasholmes.com), but usually I’m focused on them throughout the day and only get started working until after 8pm when they’re both in bed. I’m a former Texan now living in Colorado who desperately misses no-snow winters, and my parenting goal is to raise my daughters to be strong, intelligent, and independent women…much like the heroines I write, as a matter of fact. I’m a recovering perfectionist, recovering procrastinator, and perpetually aspire to keep the house clean (because it never actually is). When I’m not chasing around my daughters or adoring my cooking/cleaning/diaper-changing husband of 8 years, I write historical romances about women who fascinate me and men who somehow always remind me of Rhett Butler, the first literary hero who captured my heart. www.eliserome.com

It’s Not About Favorites

I think we all know as parents that if we have more than one child, we’re not supposed to have a favorite. Or, if we DO have a favorite, we’re certainly never supposed to admit that out loud. My mom was very good about this. Every time my brother and I would ask something along the lines about who she liked better or loved better, etc., she would say she loved us equally. (Of course I kept asking. I guess I thought one day she would admit it was me. )

But the thing I’ve come to realize, unfortunately, is that it’s not about favorites–at least not for me. Instead, it’s about ease of interaction.

I can say with 100% honesty that I love my daughters equally. But, with the same amount of honesty, I’d also have to admit that it’s so much easier for me to get along with my youngest, WonderGirl, than it is SuperGirl. I know they’re only 3 and 2, but their personalities really haven’t changed that much since they were babies.

The thing is, SuperGirl is SO MUCH like me. She’s quiet, she’s observant, she’s independent, she’s moody, she’s rebellious. She’s fun, but it takes a lot of effort to get to the heart of her. An introvert through and through.

In contrast, WonderGirl is definitely an extrovert. She’s advanced in her speaking abilities, she’s almost always smiling, always saying she loves me, always ready for a hug and a kiss–such a people person. Yes, she has her flaws: she’s stubborn as heck (I have never seen a child throw a temper tantrum like she can), but in comparison to SuperGirl, she’s so much easier for me to get along with and, well, to parent.

I don’t LIKE this feeling. I want to feel like I’m as good of a mom to one as the other, that I will have as good of a relationship with one as I do with the other. It’s even harder to have special time with SuperGirl because I’m WonderGirl’s favorite, so if we’re in the same room together, WonderGirl immediately claims me and gets upset if I try to show more attention to my oldest. Beyond that, if we’re with my husband, too, HE is SuperGirl’s favorite and he’s very permissive with her, so I always look like the bad guy.

It’s exhausting and frustrating. My husband was gone this past weekend for a short trip, and while the single-parent thing was definitely a challenge (hats off, as always, to you single ladies!), I actually found that my interactions with SuperGirl went better because there wasn’t the constant pull-and-tug with her favoring my husband and not wanting to listen to me. However, these kinds of trips aren’t going to happen very often, so I need to find another way to connect with her.

I’m going to talk to my husband about scheduling one-on-one time with each kid each week for the future, and see if that helps. But I’d really like to hear any ideas and experiences you guys have for this kind of situation. This mama needs help!

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I’m Elise Rome, AKA Midnight Mama because I’m usually burning the midnight oil. If SuperGirl (3, with a speech delay) and WonderGirl (2, my very own hip attachment) aren’t getting up in the middle of the night, then I’m busy working on writing and writing-related business until morning…usually 5 am or so. Both my husband and I stay home with the girls (he’s a writer, too! www.lukasholmes.com), but usually I’m focused on them throughout the day and only get started working until after 8pm when they’re both in bed. I’m a former Texan now living in Colorado who desperately misses no-snow winters, and my parenting goal is to raise my daughters to be strong, intelligent, and independent women…much like the heroines I write, as a matter of fact. I’m a recovering perfectionist, recovering procrastinator, and perpetually aspire to keep the house clean (because it never actually is). When I’m not chasing around my daughters or adoring my cooking/cleaning/diaper-changing husband of 8 years, I write historical romances about women who fascinate me and men who somehow always remind me of Rhett Butler, the first literary hero who captured my heart. www.eliserome.com

Happy New Year!!

The close of one year and dawning of a new one is such an awesome time for reflection. We’ve taken a quick look back at the year that was and then turned our attention to the year ahead of us. Lots of fun and excitement, and several things we’re really ready to leave behind.

What about you? What’s your best of 2012? What are happy to leave behind? What are you most looking forward to in 2013?

Shana Galen

• Best of 2012:  The Hunger Games movie. It exceeded my expectations.
• Happy To Leave in 2012:  All the talk about 50 Shades of Grey
• Most Looking Forward to in 2013:  The Host movie. I loved the book.
• Least Looking Forward to in 2013:  The fiscal cliff. I need my deductions!
• Biggest wish for 2013:  That my family and friends stay healthy.

Maisey Yates

• Best of 2012:  The Hobbit. It took me back to high school. I loved Lord of the Rings so much and this evoked the same feelings.
• Happy To Leave in 2012:  The election year. GET OFF MY FACEBOOK WALL.
• Most Looking Forward to in 2013:  I’m going to Australia, and I’ve never been! So exciting
• Least Looking Forward to in 2013:  Honey Boo Boo’s show still being in existence. Why is this a thing?
• Biggest wish for 2013:  For my family to be happy and well-taken care of. For my kids to move forward and keep growing and developing. For my husband to be joyful in his new role, and me to be happy and responsible in mine. And for me to SHOW them how much I love them. Every day.

Kieran Kramer

• Best of 2012:  The Summer Olympics
• Happy To Leave in 2012:  The ceaseless media coverage of the Presidential election
• Most Looking Forward to in 2013:  Kate and Will’s baby (babies?)
• Least Looking Forward to in 2013:  Not a thing. I’m Irish. We believe in self-fulfilling prophecies, so I’ve decided 2013 is going to be a great year all-around!

Ellie James

• Best of 2012:  20^th anniversary trip with my husband, ten amazing, sun-filled days, just us!
• Happy To Leave in 2012:  The whole nightmare of Saints bounty-gate and the excruciating season that ensued!
• Most Looking Forward to in 2013:  A tie between getting date night back on our calendar and bringing a new Young Adult series to life!
• Least Looking Forward to in 2013:  Seeing my former favorite baseball player playing for our arch rival L
• Biggest wish for 2013:  For softer edges. For more compassion and forgiveness. For the world to take a step back and a simultaneous deep breath. For less hate and aggression. More gentleness. More understanding. And love. Lots and lots of that.

Elise Rome

• Best of 2012: SuperGirl becoming potty-trained.
• Happy to Leave in 2012:  That ridiculously hot summer without A/C
• Most Looking Forward to in 2013:  WonderGirl becoming potty-trained (hey!
it’s the little things, right? =)
• Least Looking Forward to in 2013:  The next Downton Abbey season ending
*cries*

Robyn Dehart

• Best of 2012: The Hunger Games trilogy – I was late to the party, but the 2 weeks I spend reading these books were a highlight!
• Happy to leave in 2012: The election (living with a political science professor means election years are like superbowls that last for months)
• Most looking forward to in 2013: I have 4 books coming out! I’ve never had that many books out in one year
• Least looking forward to in 2013: Whatever new reality spectacle will be next – I wish our culture wasn’t so intent on getting their 15 min of fame
• Biggest wish for 2013:  That I would become at all the roles in my life: wife, mother, writer, housekeeper.

Emily McKay

• Best of 2012:  The release of The Farm, my first single title YA. It’s been super fun. YA fans aren’t like romance fans. Romance fans just kind of quietly read and enjoy the books without a lot of fanfare. YA fans find you on Goodreads, email you privately and follow you on Facebook. It’s such fun!
• Happy To Leave in 2012:  The presidential election! I just could stand the stress. Plus, I hate feeling like the country is divided.
• Most Looking Forward to in 2013:  The movie Warm Bodies. Years ago I had an idea similar to this, but could never make it work, so I just can’t wait!
• Least Looking Forward to in 2013:  My baby starting kindergarten. I’m just not ready for that!
• Biggest wish for 2013: To manage my time better. I’d like to be more efficient.

 

Creating Holiday Traditions

(SuperGirl and WonderGirl last Christmas)

I think even before we were pregnant with SuperGirl, my husband and I were talking about traditions. Specifically, the traditions we wanted to create with our kids to continue on down the years. You see, if we had any traditions growing up, they were either inconsistent (didn’t happen every year) or something that happened rather spontaneously–not something that we put thought into and declared: “this is our family tradition!”.

Last year, when I asked online friends what kind of traditions they celebrated during the holidays with their family, I received tons of great ideas. Of course we couldn’t incorporate all of them at once, but I’m hoping that each year we might add one more tradition to our family holidays.

The first year we had a child (2009), the first tradition was simple. My husband and I had been picking out a Christmas ornament each year for the two of us since we were married, so it seemed natural to get a Christmas ornament for each child each year, too.

In 2010, I don’t think there was a conscious effort to develop any traditions. SuperGirl was only 18.5 months by that point and WonderGirl just 1.5 months, and honestly, we may have been too exhausted to even think about it. =) No…wait. I think I’ll count putting up a nativity as the tradition we started that year–one of my favorite traditions, too.

In 2011, thanks to some awesome reader friends, I discovered that it’s semi-normal for families to exchange gifts of pajamas on Christmas Eves. Since we’re a pajama-loving family (I even recently bought a pair of adult-sized footie pajamas–ahhh, my feet stay so toasty now! ), this seemed like one holiday tradition we could definitely indulge in.

And now, in 2012, I’ve decided that the new tradition we’ll start this year is to throw a small birthday party for Jesus on Christmas morning. I actually stole this idea from my amazing, supermom sister-in-law, who is always coming up with really creative and awesome ideas, and then recently found out (as in last week) that other people do this, too. (There must be a list of traditions somewhere I’m missing! lol). I have to admit, my husband kinda thinks the birthday party idea is weird, but since I’ve been trying to convince him that we’ll make it a breakfast cake instead of a birthday cake, he got all excited about it. You know men. The way to a man’s heart… =)

And I’m already thinking about possible future traditions! So please share–what holiday traditions do you and your family enjoy each year?

And in case you’re interested in more details about the birthday party for Jesus (if Christmas is a holiday you’re celebrating), I’m including a picture and symbolism given by a friend below.

A birthday cake for Jesus:

• It must be round, symbolizing His love which encircles me in the world
• Chocolate cake—preferably devil’s food; denotes human sin
• The star and angel on top are bearers of the first glad tidings
• Twelve red candles represent the twelve months of the year that He is our light
• Red color for the blood He shed for us
• Circle of evergreens around the cake remind us of the everlasting life He has given to us when we receive Him into our hearts and lives

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I’m Elise Rome, AKA Midnight Mama because I’m usually burning the midnight oil. If SuperGirl (3, with a speech delay) and WonderGirl (1, my very own hip attachment) aren’t getting up in the middle of the night, then I’m busy working on writing and writing-related business until morning…usually 5 am or so. Both my husband and I stay home with the girls (he’s a writer, too! www.lukasholmes.com), but usually I’m focused on them throughout the day and only get started working until after 8pm when they’re both in bed. I’m a former Texan now living in Colorado who desperately misses no-snow winters, and my parenting goal is to raise my daughters to be strong, intelligent, and independent women…much like the heroines I write, as a matter of fact. I’m a recovering perfectionist, recovering procrastinator, and perpetually aspire to keep the house clean (because it never actually is). When I’m not chasing around my daughters or adoring my cooking/cleaning/diaper-changing husband of 8 years, I write historical romances about women who fascinate me and men who somehow always remind me of Rhett Butler, the first literary hero who captured my heart. www.eliserome.com

The Question of Gender

First off, I have to say that this post is a blatant excuse for me to be able to post up pictures of my kids on Halloween night. Yes, I said it.

Here’s the first one, in which the girls pose to get their picture taken for a costume contest at the local candy boutique store.

You will notice WonderGirl on the right there is dressed up as Dora (okay, we substituted her Dora heels for frog boots and purple Boots monkey for our puppet monkey and the Dora backpack from a hand-me-down from SuperGirl, but you get the picture. Gender appropriate…and so stinkin’ darn cute, if I may say so myself). =)

And, on the left, SuperGirl. But instead of being dressed up as SuperGirl or any other gender appropriate costume (“gender appropriate” is a term I plan on discussing below), my lovely 3yo daughter has been in love with Captain America all summer and desperately wanted to be Captain America for Halloween. And so she was.

I have to admit, I was a little surprised that we didn’t get questions on Halloween as we went trick-or-treating through our local downtown during the day or around the neighborhood at night. Questions on why she wasn’t dressed up in a more “gender appropriate” costume. She was definitely the only girl I saw dressed up in a “boy” costume. And I think only one person the entire day referred to her as a “him” (I guess the long hair wasn’t a tip-off). For the most part, everyone oohed and ahhed over her as you would expect, and some people I think even got a kick out of seeing a girl wearing a “boy” costume.

Still. As a mom, although I was perfectly happy letting her dress up in whatever costume she wanted, as soon as we were out among strangers–especially women–I kept tensing, waiting for someone to ask about her costume, why she chose to wear the Captain America outfit.

I know–who the heck cares, right? Still, the tension remained. Me, waiting, believing I would have to defend my 3yo daughter’s femininity.

Such a beautiful girl, even in her Captain America costume. (And look at those pecs and biceps! )

It made me think of those parents you hear about every few years. They have a child and no one knows the gender except immediate relatives, and they cut their hair and dress them in such a way that it’s truly a guessing game whether they are a boy or girl. Even the child doesn’t know. Until they have to go to school. And then…

And then, honestly, it must be torture for that child. Because here’s the thing.

Barring the entire argument about kids and at what point they explore their sexual orientation, I know some people let their girls play with army men and their boys play with Barbie dolls and even let their beautiful little girls dress up as Captain America for Halloween (like me)–just because, hey, why not let the kid enjoy something if they think it’s fun? Imagine and play, yes?

But I think the actual *encouragement* of the child by the parent to lean toward the opposite gender–not where you’re letting the child choose how to act or play on their own, but where you’re actively directing them away from their own inclinations–and where the parent purposefully refuses to identify the child as a specific gender to the child or to anyone else–is wrong.

Wrong? I know, it sounds harsh. How can I be the judge of another parent? You all know how imperfect I am. It *is* just my opinion, but I feel strongly about it.

Because when we leave out any religious or moral issues, things I know we all have strong opinions on, it seems that most of us would agree that setting our child up to be strong, independent, but also in a place where they can flourish socially on their own, is what we strive for as parents. And in a world where we still relate to one another based on our perceived gender identities, it’s very important that our children are able to determine who they are and who they want to be for themselves. Parents should not be experimenting on their children for the purpose of social justice and gender equality!

I believe all of this. Letting my children just be children is important to me.

So yes, SuperGirl wore a Captain America costume. Not because I felt like she had to break the gender box and show the world that she’s woman and she can do anything she wants! Not because I’m steering her toward exploring her masculine or tomboy side because I don’t want her to look back on her childhood when she’s an adult and regret that her parents only gave her Barbie dolls and play jewelry and that was it. But because, on Father’s Day this year, our family went to Comic Con, my husband wanted the girls to pick out a little wooden figure each to take home and, because SuperGirl’s favorite color is blue, she picked out Captain America–the only blue wooden figure.

My daughter likes blue. Hence, a Captain America, gender-defying, in-your-face, I-am-woman-hear-me-roar Halloween costume. =)

Seems rather silly for me to have tensed up about needing to defend my daughter’s femininity now, doesn’t it? Makes the entire discussion on “gender appropriate” seem ridiculous, doesn’t it?

While we adults go on worrying about how we can encourage our children in their interests while at the same time worrying about how the world will perceive them–and, then, of course, us as parents–they just want to wear their favorite color.

While I still believe the gender discussion is important, it makes me wish that I could see the world in such uncomplicated terms, too.

(By the way, my favorite color is red. You know, the color of sex and passion. Does that make me a harlot? )

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I’m Elise Rome, AKA Midnight Mama because I’m usually burning the midnight oil. If SuperGirl (3, with a speech delay) and WonderGirl (1, my very own hip attachment) aren’t getting up in the middle of the night, then I’m busy working on writing and writing-related business until morning…usually 5 am or so. Both my husband and I stay home with the girls (he’s a writer, too! www.lukasholmes.com), but usually I’m focused on them throughout the day and only get started working until after 8pm when they’re both in bed. I’m a former Texan now living in Colorado who desperately misses no-snow winters, and my parenting goal is to raise my daughters to be strong, intelligent, and independent women…much like the heroines I write, as a matter of fact. I’m a recovering perfectionist, recovering procrastinator, and perpetually aspire to keep the house clean (because it never actually is). When I’m not chasing around my daughters or adoring my cooking/cleaning/diaper-changing husband of 8 years, I write historical romances about women who fascinate me and men who somehow always remind me of Rhett Butler, the first literary hero who captured my heart. www.eliserome.com

Teaching Gratitude

Recently, I had The Talk.

If you haven’t done this yet, I’m sure you’ll do it soon. You know what I mean. In the moment when you offer a perfectly acceptable toy/snack/play option, etc. to your kid and they melt down because they wanted something else or they wanted it differently or they’re just in a bad mood and NOTHING WILL DO.

Yes, The Talk.

Granted, some moms might have taken the opportunity to see this as just a part of being a child. They get cranky, they want to express their independence, they want to be in control of their own lives. I get it. And I can completely understand and I’ve even let my girls get away with this in the past.

But on this particular day, I’d had enough. And so I put on my serious Mama face *grins*, the one that comes complete with a serious low voice and raised eyebrows and “listen to me”… “are you listening to me?”… “do you understand?” when I want to drive in my points, and I went at it.

It went something like this:

“Girls, you know how we have a house to live in and food to eat? How we have clothes to wear and toys to play with and a car that takes us places? Well, there are some children who don’t have ANY of those things.”

Then I asked them (well, actually, at this point it was just SuperGirl, the 3yo, because almost 2yo WonderGirl had already strayed away by now) if that made them sad or happy, and SuperGirl agreed that hearing that other children didn’t have all the things she had made her sad. (Cue the Mama pride that she GOT it.)

Then I asked them (SuperGirl) how she felt and how she should feel to have the nice things that she has. Answer: happy. (Yes!!)

We had just recently decided to start going through toys (because they are about to suffocate us…everywhere we turn, there are more boxes of toys; of course, it seems like Christmas to the girls every day now) to decide which ones the girls want to keep and which they want to give away. We had talked about how giving away toys was a good thing because other kids could benefit them, and I used this as an example in my gratitude monologue on how we could help others who were not as fortunate as we are.

I also pulled up some pictures from a Facebook group called The Eyes of Children Around the World to show them pictures of real children who were less fortunate. (Moms, I’ve also done this in the past to just show them children who look differently than they do in terms of clothing and piercings and race. I like to think this is a helpful thing for opening their minds to different kinds of people down the road.)

And I have two things to say about this experience, in having The Talk about gratitude.

1) Yes, I feel a little corny in starting sentences with, “Other children in So and So Country do not have…”, which reminded me of how parents used to try to convince their children to clean their plates.

2) But I also realized that I don’t want to be the kind of parent who just points fingers for reference when I want to make a parenting point and who just talks.

Before we had children, my husband and I would spend hours talking about the kind of future we wanted to have with our kids: family time that included volunteering, holidays where we would serve others, expressing our gratitude by giving others something to be thankful for. And somehow, after three years of sleep deprivation and potty training and temper tantrums, those things seemed to have lost their importance as ideals in our lives. I know it’s possible that when the girls are teenagers we’ll do those sort of things together, but I don’t think it’s enough to wait until then. I want to start now, even if it’s small. And I want to hear from you other moms–because you’ve been through the various ages and because you are amazing women with wonderful ideas. I have a few thoughts of my own, but I’d love to hear from you.

In terms of teaching your kids (no matter what age) about gratitude and community engagement, what suggestions do you have for how we can get involved? Ideas that immediately come to my mind include the holiday Angel Tree and the various programs where you sponsor a child monthly. Any others, and maybe some that include face-to-face interaction?

And, if you have experiences to share, what differences have you seen in your child/children after becoming involved in these types of activities, if any?

The Need for Transparency

We, the regular contributing moms at Peanut Butter on the Keyboard, have a loop. A lot of the discussions on this loop are geared toward scheduling and guest bloggers and possible events/workshops, but an equal amount of our discussions center around crises in our lives as moms, significant others, friends, and authors.

For example, one of my crises a few months ago occurred when WonderGirl decided to color the living room walls, and I went to the other moms for a solution. Because, knowing kids, I knew someone else had been there before me. (Answer: Mr. Clean Magic Eraser)

Sometimes our crises are as simple as that. Sometimes they’re bigger, and delve into round-table discussions of emotional/psychological issues our children have, the different kinds of support we receive from our partners, or our surprise that, despite our best efforts, we just sometimes fail to do what we mean to do or what we did turned out in a way that we never intended.

At first, when we created this blog (Shana’s fantastic idea!), some of us had been friends for years and some of us just knew each other’s names as authors. The reaching out in those round-table discussions didn’t happen at first. We acted like I imagine all women (and moms) act when they first get together as a group–observing, testing, waiting to see where the group’s boundaries as a whole lie. We want to be nice, but are we too nice? Too open? Will our niceness be misinterpreted as letting all of our vulnerabilities hang out and no one actually has no idea what we’re talking about and we just made complete fools of ourselves? (Been there!)

But, over these past 7 months since we started PBK (I can’t believe it’s been 7 months already!), our relationships in the group have evolved and matured, and now I consider my fellow PBK moms as friends to whom I could basically tell anything. Because, let’s face it–there’s just something downright intimate about describing your child’s puke or poop to another person and begging for their expertise. =)

Interestingly enough, one of our discussions on the loop was about how we, as women and moms–and, yes, even authors–feel often that we can’t be ourselves around others. We always have to have a shield up; we can’t let others inside until we know that they’re trustworthy because we’ve all been burned too many times the other way around. On one hand, this makes me even more glad that I found a group of women among the PBK community (I’m including you, too, Dear Reader, in this), where I feel like I can truly be me. You know I’m not perfect. I know you’re not perfect. We’re all moms or know moms and realize that, with imperfect kids, only insanity makes us think that there can be such a thing as the perfect mom.

But, on the other hand, it makes me sad that this is so. I love women; I love how open and warm and kind we can be. I also am wary of women; I know how easily we judge one another and compare ourselves to each other and how we tend to group together in cliques that can be damaging just as much on the inside of the clique as it is on the outside. But–and maybe I’m stepping out on a limb here, and maybe it’ s just me, but I don’t think that’s the case–speaking from my heart, I think each of us women…whether you’re a mom or not, it doesn’t matter…LONGS for the transparency and openness and encouragement to be ourselves among other women, the kind of friendship we PBK moms have found.

I know how easy it is to judge other moms. Lord knows, I KNOW how easy that is. (Remember my post about the woman who sat her twins on potties while they were eating in the cafe a while back?) And I know that it’s even easier for us to compare ourselves to other women and find dozens of way where we’re lacking and want to say HALLELUJAH when we see a woman who actually is doing a little worse off than we are (again, see aforementioned potty training mom). Whether you’re at either of these points right now, I know each of us has been there in the past.

So, I just want to say this. Put it out there so you know.

You’re not alone.

Whatever you’re going through right now in your life–whether it’s loved ones in the hospital, financial issues, self-esteem issues, marital issues, kids with special needs, kids who are just ornery all the time, or kids you don’t know how to connect with… you’re not alone. We may not be going through the same exact situation, but we know your heartbreak and your worries and your struggles.

Truth: I can’t remember the last time my kids *only* watched 2 hours of TV a day. This is something I know is out of control, and I know I need to fix it, but it’s something I’m struggling with right now.

Truth: There are days when I feel like I’m superwoman and I can go after anything and be the strongest woman/best wife and mother I want to be. Then there are days (and there are quite a lot more of these!) when I feel like I let everyone down and just want to stay in bed all day, pull the covers over my head, and read my Kindle. =) Maybe start planning a vacation where I can go off BY MYSELF (no kids OR husband) for a couple of weeks.

Truth: I wish I was one of those moms who shave their legs twice a week (does anyone actually do this DAILY?) or wear make-up every day. If I shave my legs and put on my make-up, my husband thinks I have something special in mind for that night. I wish I was one of those moms who always has fun, crafty ideas for their kids and actually IMPLEMENT them and have fun while doing so. The last time the girls and I did a craft (creating finger puppets), it was a kit from Michael’s that WonderGirl destroyed half-way through and I ended up saying some things that I had to go back later and apologize for. My talents, obviously, are not in the crafts department.

So, what is the purpose of this post, you may be asking? Good question. =)

Here it is.

<<<HUG>>>

It’s not easy being you. You deserve compassion for all those times you don’t give it to yourself, a sincere hug for all those times you’re too afraid to put yourself out there for fear you’ll get hurt, and the assurance that, wherever you are now, whatever you’re going through, you truly are not alone.

There’s a need for every single one of us to be transparent. Of course I know we can’t be like that all the time–think how much more exhausted we would all be! But I suppose I’m encouraging you (and myself) to do something. The next time you see another woman, reach out in a way you might never have done before. And keep reaching. Who knows? Like the PBK moms, you might discover true and trustworthy friends you might never have otherwise.

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I’m Elise Rome, AKA Midnight Mama because I’m usually burning the midnight oil. If SuperGirl (3, with a speech delay) and WonderGirl (1, my very own hip attachment) aren’t getting up in the middle of the night, then I’m busy working on writing and writing-related business until morning…usually 5 am or so. Both my husband and I stay home with the girls (he’s a writer, too! www.lukasholmes.com), but usually I’m focused on them throughout the day and only get started working until after 8pm when they’re both in bed. I’m a former Texan now living in Colorado who desperately misses no-snow winters, and my parenting goal is to raise my daughters to be strong, intelligent, and independent women…much like the heroines I write, as a matter of fact. I’m a recovering perfectionist, recovering procrastinator, and perpetually aspire to keep the house clean (because it never actually is). When I’m not chasing around my daughters or adoring my cooking/cleaning/diaper-changing husband of 8 years, I write historical romances about women who fascinate me and men who somehow always remind me of Rhett Butler, the first literary hero who captured my heart. www.eliserome.com

Potty Training Update and the Benefit of Comparing Yourself to Other Moms

Go ahead. Take a good look at the picture above (I chose the pixelated version because, well, I’d hate MY daughter to have a nekkid picture floating out there on the Internet). This was taken by another customer recently at a cafe. The mom of the girl above had brought in two portable potties for her twin daughters, sat them at the table, pulled down their jumpers, and put them on top of the potties while they ate.

Okay, two things run through my head first.

1) I just have loads and loads of sympathy for that poor mom!!! You KNOW she has to be sleep deprived out of her mind and so desperate to get out of the house while trying to keep on her potty training schedule that this actually sounded like a good idea.

2) I feel really sad for the girl whose picture was taken, because you KNOW that’s going to haunt her with future potential boyfriends. =)

And the third thing running through my head? “Gross!!! Who would think of doing that in a public restaurant where other people are trying to EAT?!?”

Nope, that’s not it. It’s actually: “Oh, thank goodness–I feel so much better about not having SuperGirl completely potty trained yet.”

I’ve always been a perfectionist and admittedly have wished she’d be potty trained by now, but the picture above gives me a little perspective.

Now I’m actually okay that she’s wearing underwear during the day at home, pull-ups at pre-school (yeah, the reason for that would have to be another blog post; let’s just say I was very embarrassed =), and wearing diapers at night.

In comparison, I’ve decided, it’s really not that bad. =)

What do you think of the picture above? Don’t you just want to give that mom a big ol’ HUG?

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I’m Elise Rome, AKA Midnight Mama because I’m usually burning the midnight oil. If SuperGirl (3, with a speech delay) and WonderGirl (1, my very own hip attachment) aren’t getting up in the middle of the night, then I’m busy working on writing and writing-related business until morning…usually 5 am or so. Both my husband and I stay home with the girls (he’s a writer, too! www.lukasholmes.com), but usually I’m focused on them throughout the day and only get started working until after 8pm when they’re both in bed. I’m a former Texan now living in Colorado who desperately misses no-snow winters, and my parenting goal is to raise my daughters to be strong, intelligent, and independent women…much like the heroines I write, as a matter of fact. I’m a recovering perfectionist, recovering procrastinator, and perpetually aspire to keep the house clean (because it never actually is). When I’m not chasing around my daughters or adoring my cooking/cleaning/diaper-changing husband of 8 years, I write historical romances about women who fascinate me and men who somehow always remind me of Rhett Butler, the first literary hero who captured my heart. www.eliserome.com

I Don’t Want My Children to Be Obese

It’s a scary world out there.

1 in 3 American children are now overweight or obese. (And two nights ago I heard on NBC Nightly News that 1 in 3 American adults are now obese–not just overweight…not a good trend, obviously.)

Overweight children and teenagers are also showing a hardening of their arteries (a precursor to heart disease).

And I haven’t even mentioned anything about diabetes, or that so many of our kids are taking drugs to deal with the various diseases (such as diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.) that go along with being overweight.

My husband and I are on a mission to get healthy. Not only to get healthy, but to stay healthy. I’ve become a vegan (although I hesitate to label myself as such, because I know that the word probably makes you think of other words such as “animal-loving” and “hippie”; and although I like animals very much and wore a tie-dyed shirt when I was a kid (the only hippie-ish thing I might have ever done), the truth is that being a vegan–a plant-based vegan–is much more about my health). My husband eats some of my recipes but is, as of yet, not a vegan…or even a vegetarian.

Part of this mission of getting healthy is to lay a foundation of good nutrition for our kids growing up.

Both my husband and I have had issues with our weight our entire lives, and we–as well as many people in our families–are obese. It’s not a good thing, as we all know, and we’re trying our best to change. We want to look better, to feel better, but with children there’s also an additional impetus: we want our children to grow up healthy, not having to worry about the same issues we’ve had all of our lives, or struggling with the same food addictions we have.

As my husband and I talked about the issue of food addictions recently, we realized that most of our “trigger” foods (the foods that send out a siren call to fall off the wagon or binge) are foods we consider comfort foods from our childhoods.

Mexican food is my comfort food, as I always associate it with my family happily going out to eat Tex Mex. We didn’t go out to eat a lot, but when we did it was always a particular restaurant, and because of this somehow I think of Mexican food as comforting. Macaroni and cheese, too, one of my family’s favorite side dishes, and any recipes my mom made regularly (this has become an even stronger craving since her death).

Most of us have heard/seen the debate on who contributes to childhood obesity more: parents or schools. Well, from our recollections of our childhoods, Mr. Rome and I believe it all starts at home.

Part of my becoming vegan has meant getting rid of most of the non-whole foods in our house. Our kitchen is now stocked with 90% fruits, vegetables, beans, nuts/seeds, whole grains, and the accompanying cooking ingredients (and for those of you wondering what we eat from all of this, I’ve compiled an extensive recipe database, if you’re interested). Since my husband isn’t vegan, he’s eating through the rest of it, although we’ve both agreed that we won’t re-stock those other foods. We intend to eat very healthfully at home; indulgences are for occasional meals out.

In addition to this, we’ve developed the rule that food of any kind is never given as a treat or a reward; also, a certain food will never be taken away as punishment if behavior is bad. We want our children to learn to enjoy and eat food as fuel, because our bodies need it, not because it’s our best friend or our enemy. And if they do something good, we want them to take pride in that behavior by itself, to feel good about doing good; no food needed to celebrate.

And in terms of family nostalgia, we’re trying to go on more outings outside of meal times, so that going to the zoo or the museum is a happy family event by itself. I have so many memories of family outings and gatherings where food was always associated with happiness, laughter, and love; I’d like to help the girls learn that happiness, laughter, and love comes from the people we’re with, not the food we’re eating together.

Finally, we’re going to talk to our kids about what foods are good for our bodies and what foods are bad. As they grow up, they’ll make their own choices, and I’m okay with that. My hope is that by teaching them the good and the bad now, they’ll be more inclined to choose the good in the future.

From the time they were born, one of my greatest goals for my daughters has been that they would grow up to be confident and strong women, and I believe having good health is necessary for this to happen. For us, good health has to start at home, and it has to start with me and my husband as role models.

It’s already starting, in fact. The other day as I was cutting up a red bell pepper, SuperGirl asked for a bite (as all parents of toddlers know, they always want what we have!). She licked or ate part of it, I couldn’t tell which, and then put it down, saying she didn’t like it. Then I started to talk about how much I enjoyed bell peppers as I continued cutting it up, and she asked for another piece. She ate it. Then another, and another, then another, until I started to think that I might have to put the gate up to the kitchen so we’d have some left for dinner. She’s not so keen on leafy greens yet, but I figure since she’s only 3 years old, we have a while to get her there. =)

Has the “epidemic of obesity” affected your family? What challenges are you facing to get/stay healthy, or to get/keep your kids healthy? Do you have any other tips on how to help your children develop healthy eating habits?

I’ll be giving away one of the books that influenced me to become vegan, EAT TO LIVE (in ebook format), to two random commenters (to be announced Sunday).

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I’m Elise Rome, AKA Midnight Mama because I’m usually burning the midnight oil. If SuperGirl (3, with a speech delay) and WonderGirl (1, my very own hip attachment) aren’t getting up in the middle of the night, then I’m busy working on writing and writing-related business until morning…usually 5 am or so. Both my husband and I stay home with the girls (he’s a writer, too! www.lukasholmes.com), but usually I’m focused on them throughout the day and only get started working until after 8pm when they’re both in bed. I’m a former Texan now living in Colorado who desperately misses no-snow winters, and my parenting goal is to raise my daughters to be strong, intelligent, and independent women…much like the heroines I write, as a matter of fact. I’m a recovering perfectionist, recovering procrastinator, and perpetually aspire to keep the house clean (because it never actually is). When I’m not chasing around my daughters or adoring my cooking/cleaning/diaper-changing husband of 8 years, I write historical romances about women who fascinate me and men who somehow always remind me of Rhett Butler, the first literary hero who captured my heart. www.eliserome.com

Weighing In: The Breastfeeding Debate

It seems like there’s ALWAYS a debate about breastfeeding going on. I think everyone pretty much agrees that breastfeeding (if and when possible) is best for a baby’s health, but we still argue about other topics surrounding the issue: Is it polite to breastfeed in public? In certain areas only, or everywhere? How should workplaces assist breastfeeding moms? What kind of support should hospitals give? Can you even call yourself a real mom if you choose not to breastfeed at all? (This last one might seem over-the-top, but I’m sure that’s how some mothers who do not breastfeed feel judged.)

My daughters are 3 and 1.5 now, so it’s been a while since this topic has been relevant to me as a mom. But I wanted to weigh in, anyway. Recently the mayor of New York City encouraged hospitals to treat formula as other medicine and drugs, keeping it essentially locked away until the mother signed for it. And even then, the mother would be given a lecture each time she gave her baby formula about how breastfeeding was so much better. It’s important to note that while this isn’t a law that has been passed, many of the hospitals are going along with Mayor Bloomberg’s “encouragement”.

For me personally, I felt that formula was a sanity-saver. I tried breastfeeding SuperGirl for a week, and at the end of that week I eventually caved (notice the negative connotation of that word) and started giving her the free formula we’d received in the mail and from the hospital. You know how they say that babies should eat every two hours for thirty minutes at first to build up breast milk? Well, SuperGirl was napping for thirty minutes and then eating for TWO HOURS; she had it completely backward. I had a lactation consultant come out as part of the hospital’s program and said that she was latching on fine, that her weight was fine, and it appeared I had enough milk. I tried pumping so my husband could feed her and I could get some sleep, but despite my milk being in, the pump never worked for me (and it was a good quality pump). At the end of the week before I gave her the formula, I remember breaking down and sobbing because I felt like a failure, but the breastfeeding was making me absolutely miserable. I was hardly sleeping, and although I didn’t have any other postpartum signs of depression, I felt that the lack of sleep was making me depressed. It was this and the support of my husband and mother (who was staying with us the first week) that allowed me to finally give myself permission to give SuperGirl formula.

I can’t tell you how much of a relief it was. I slept so well that night and felt like an entirely different–happier!–person the next day, and suddenly I could ENJOY my baby.

Still, as the negative connotation of “caved” earlier implies, I did feel like a failure. Because we’ve all heard by now the numerous benefits of breastfeeding, I think most moms who want the best for their children WANT to be a success at breastfeeding. There was intense pressure from myself as well as the larger society of mothers to do it. And I’d seen both of my sisters-in-law breastfeed their children for at least a year and with (what appeared to be) no problems.

So, when I became pregnant with WonderGirl, I knew that I wanted to try again. With SuperGirl, I hadn’t known that you could breastfeed and formula-feed at the same time. Knowing what had happened last time with SuperGirl, I intended to start out just breastfeeding with WonderGirl, but gave myself permission to alternate between breastmilk and formula as needed, and that’s exactly what I did. During the night and the day when I was awake I breastfed her, and my husband gave her formula in the mornings when I was still sleeping (again, pumping didn’t work for me). We did this for three months, until my breast milk eventually dried up and we went straight to formula (a move made because I went back to work).

Do I feel better about breastfeeding (at least partially) WonderGirl for three months? Definitely! 1) Since I knew what to expect, I felt like I was more mentally prepared. 2) I didn’t have the same soreness and pain I’d had with SuperGirl. 3) I felt that I bonded a lot more with WonderGirl through breastfeeding than I did formula feeding SuperGirl.

Now, it’s possible that if I hadn’t had those free cans of formula from the hospital that I wouldn’t have “caved” and started formula feeding SuperGirl after only one week. Or I might just have sent hubby out to the store to get some formula. =) And yes, I agree that breastfeeding, if and when possible, is best for baby. But do I think that moms (especially new moms!) should be shamed for choosing formula and made to feel bad about their decision when they do choose not to breastfeed? No, in my opinion; education is NOT the same as shaming.

Beyond that, I think that any mother who even ATTEMPTS to breastfeed should be given those golden boob awards that people post on mom forums; in my opinion, it’s the most difficult job when dealing with an infant.

Finally, I know that having formula as an alternative saved my sanity and very likely kept me from suffering from postpartum depression. It seems to me that we’re better off having a community of happy mothers who are also confident caregivers than women who start out feeling like they’re already on the losing end, or women who continue breastfeeding when it breaks them down mentally, physically, and emotionally. Breastfeeding is amazing, but in my opinion, we can’t overlook the health and happiness of mothers as part of the equation.

Now it’s your turn to weigh in! Did you breastfeed or formula feed (or both)? Even if your children are adopted, I’d love to hear from you! Do you think that hospitals should “lock up” formula, and do you think that this will encourage mothers to breastfeed or just make them more ashamed of choosing formula?