Let me just say right now that I am not a perfectionist. I do notice details. I am a bit of a control freak. I am super organized. But I’m not a perfectionist. Sure, I feel bad when I get a review that’s not glowing, but it doesn’t devastate me (much) because it’s not possible for me or anyone to write a perfect book. I could try, but then I’d be working on it forever.
My sister was a perfectionist when she was younger. I used to watch her work on handwriting homework, and she would erase so much, she would make a hole in the paper. I couldn’t understand why there wasn’t a “good enough” for her. You know, that letter D isn’t perfect but it’s “good enough.” This was handwriting homework, not the world championships. In which case, you’d want an excellent letter D, but no one is perfect.
So imagine my surprise and chagrin when my daughter started showing signs of perfectionism. I remember her being as young as 6 or 7 months, and me telling her, “It’s just for fun. It doesn’t have to be perfect.” After about the ten thousandth time saying that, I realized two things.
1) I could say it all I wanted, but that wasn’t going to change her view.
2) I wasn’t being helpful.
I don’t really know how to be helpful. I think I should acknowledge her feelings of frustration and be sympathetic, rather than dismiss her feelings. But I also can’t let her use her perfectionism as an excuse. Recently we were doing some activities to practice her skills with scissors. She’s always wanting to use scissors, so I thought this would be fun.
That was my first mistake. I always think things will be fun, but they often turn into exercises in frustration when she can’t get it perfect. Trust me, no one is more frustrated than me, when she won’t even make more than one attempt because she’s crying because her cut wasn’t perfectly on the line. No matter that she has never tried to cut on a line before. No matter that she is barely three and just learned how to open and close her fingers to manipulate scissors. No matter that this is supposed to be fun. Fun, I said! Fun, damn it!
She cannot do it perfectly, so she starts with the, “Mommy help you” (which means, help me do this). And now here’s the part that irritates me. I have to say no. if I do it for her, then she won’t do it herself and she’ll never learn. This is just for fun, but that’s a lesson that can’t go by the wayside even when we’re just having fun.
So I say no, and then we have a meltdown, and there goes my fun activity.
Anyone else with a perfectionist child? Any suggestions for coping?
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Shana Galen, Multitasker Mama
I’m Shana G
alen, AKA Multitasker Mama (and aren’t we all?). I’m a wife, mom to a two-year-old daughter I call Baby Galen. My parenting motto is, “Keep moving. Don’t pass out. Don’t throw up.” Or maybe that’s my fitness motto? www.shanagalen.com
Here’s my suggestion (I have a couple of perfectionist kids and I’m anything but!). When her first cut doesn’t go the way she wants it to, and she asks you to help, say to her “let’s do it together” and help her. You make the first cut, then let her have another go. Let her see that you aren’t perfect either. Even if you only manage another cut or two, or drawing or two, it’s a step forward and each time. Encourage like you’ve been doing. Give her a hug and say “great job. You know we’ll get better every time we do this”. Give her a chance to be unhappy with her achievement and gently encourage her to try again by leading the way. Don’t let it devolve into a battle. Get a couple of pairs of craft scissors which have crinkled edges or patterned edges so it’s not so apparent that she’s made a mistake.
My first daughter was a shocker, until she started school. Her first teacher found her in tears over not being able to spell a word properly. The teacher said “Just put a line through it and try again. The important thing to me is that I can see you have tried.” For some reason, that just made sense to her, and she was a little more relaxed after that. You’re doing a great job with her, and remember that she’s only little too, so make sure your expectations of what she can do are reasonable. Sorry, now I sound all preachy! In my experience, slow and steady gets you through eventually!
Great advice, Family Matters! I have some of those patterned scissors, and it hadn’t occurred to me to use them for this.
Good luck! Keep us posted.
I’ve seen signs of this with Babybee, but Busybee is too worried about what other people are doing to focus on her own stuff.
But I will tell you that my oldest niece was like this from a small child. She would have total breakdowns, crying and saying, “it’s not just right!” Today she is a senior in high school and the valedictorian and has a scholarship to the college of her choice next year. Sometimes those qualities in children that frustrate us the most are the ones that become practical skills that become strengths when they’re older. But man are they frustrating now!
You know, Robyn, people have been telling me that one day I’ll be glad Baby Galen does XYZ. I hope it’s all true because she has not been the easiest child, and it would be nice to think it was all in preparation for a fabulous future.
Perfectionist kids are frequently very bright as well. Early readers, etc. When my perfectionist oldest hit kindergarten, we had tons of issues with the homework packets. If he didn’t do it exactly right, he wanted to crumple up the paper and throw it. At 1st parent conference I asked the K-garten teacher for help. Since he could already read, and was ahead academically, her job was to teach him it’s ok to make mistakes and how to use an eraser, and my job was to tell him that his homework assignment was there to show him how to make mistakes and how to erase properly. We also gave him some fun things like easy word searches, etc that didn’t require coloring inside the lines, etc.
It took til 8th grade when he decided he really didn’t care about school after all, but he finally got over his perfectionism.
Good luck!
Lori, sounds like you can’t win! First he cared too much then not at all. But I saw that a lot when I taught 8th grade, Usually in high school, kids see the value again. Thank you for the help.
Laughing. Yup, no can win. Thankfully, he picked it back up in high school, as you said, but far more balanced, and is very happy away from home at college. Your daughter will do just fine. Promise. Part of it is just accepting her personality and letting her know how much she’s loved even though she has a different personality than you. Which obviously you already do!
In addition to helping him learn how to fail, I should have mentioned that we lavished praise on him even when he did things that weren’t perfect (which I admit was rare – heck, the kid potty trained himself at 22 months; can you say overachiever?). It was important to us that he do lots of rough & tumble stuff that would get him dirty (pants & hands not clean = not perfect – seriously). Of course, he came right in the house and cleaned up immediately, but hey… we tried.
It seems so counter-intuitive to praise a kid when they fail, but some kids need reassurance that it’s okay. So good thing for me to remember.
I am not sure the right answer/strategy with perfectionist children is offering help or just letting them do the experience, probably a combination of both. I always have words of appreciation and encouragement for my two kids: those words boost confidence and build self-esteem. They may refuse your help, they may get frustrated, or even get mad at you, but those words will stay with them forever like threads in a canvas, and the more of those you use to praise their effort if not the result, the more solid the fabric of their character will be as they grow up.
Mina, that helps a lot. Sometimes I don’t feel like what I say makes a difference, but then she will repeat it later, usually when I’m not expecting it. Good to keep in mind!
Shana, I see your thought trail. About not helping her. But, only for my own thought trail, I have seen that the real world will teach her just fine that she has to do it herself. When she goes to preschool, camp, daycare, etc. She has to do it herself.
She will learn that one.
Psst…Shana….why do you deny your perfectionism??
Lisoo, I’m really not a perfectionist! Seriously. I’m always thinking, “Eh, that’s good enough.” Now my standards may be higher than some, but I don’t expect perfection. You’re probably right about the real world and Baby Galen. Most people seem to do okay.
Hi Shana! As I think you know, I’m a recovering perfectionist. =) I don’t think I’ve seen so many signs of perfectionism in SuperGirl as I have “big girl independence”, but I think they might be similar. What I do is let and encourage SuperGirl to try to do things herself first, and if she tries and then asks for my help, I’ll help her. A lot of times just having help once is enough, and she can do it on her own from then on. But sometimes she’s just in a bad mood and something she’s done many times before, she now can’t because she’s not trying hard enough or is flustered, etc., so I don’t have a problem helping her (this helps my sanity, too!). I like Family Matters NZ’s comment about doing it together–taking turns. For myself as a perfectionist, I liked doing things myself and finding my own way to do it, but I also appreciated help from others when I got too frustrated. Hope you find some help with any of these comments!!
Elise, I totally like for her to do things herself. I’m really more comfortable with older kids and so glad the baby years are over. But I don’t expect her to get it right, and it’s weird to me that she is so picky about it. But I guess she doesn’t think of herself as a kid, like I do.
I wonder if there’s some kind of TV show she can watch where someone gets upset about doing things right and then learns that she doesn’t have to be perfect. It would be nice if we could search episodes by lesson. =) This might not work, but I also ask SuperGirl questions instead of telling her. Instead of “This is wrong because…”, I say “Do you think this is appropriate behavior?” 99% of the time, she figures it out. Maybe you could say, “How can we do this so that you’re having fun?” or something like that, to change her focus?
If you see a show like that, let me know. The Daniel Tiger episode about going to the potty made a huge difference for us.
Thank you for sharing!
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I think where the frustration sets in. is that the motor skills just aren’t up to what the mind wants to do. My daughter used to get frustrated more, but she seems to have moved past that to a certain extent.
I like Elise’s statement, “How can we do this, so you are having fun.” It does seemed that planned fun, has a way of backfiring.
Progress not perfection.
Gayle, I think you’re right that some of it is knowing what you want to accomplish and not being capable of it yet. I like Elise’s suggestion too.
Perfectionism is related to anxiety. And some people are just born wired to be anxious. The key is to get her to learn how to delay her frustration little by little. It will take hundreds of experiences for her to neutralize and then reverse what her nervous system is telling her to do–which is to freak out when things aren’t exactly as she envisioned them to be. So I recommend presenting her with lots and lots of challenges, and never reward her early frustration with your attention–positive or negative. Walk away. This will take years and years of consistent parental teaching moments, but you should see a gradual delay in frustration the more practice she gets confronting life.
There is one other really important thing–if it’s not in place, the chances of her learning to manage her own anxiety go down considerably. A child can sense tension at a very young age, and whatever they learn about getting a rein on their own frustration can be quickly unlearned if they’re unable to escape outer tension. It really helps to have a very relaxed household with no underlying tension. Festering tension will exacerbate her anxiety. Relaxed doesn’t mean you can’t be firm, and tension–conflict–is part of life. We can’t escape it. But that tension needs to be aired and resolved on a continual basis by people who model that you can be centered and secure at your core, even happy, no matter what’s going on around you.
Kieran, it sounds like you know what you’re talking about. I’m definitely going to have to work on this. It sounds like something that can be accomplished given time and attention.
Oh, my gosh! My daughter will be three in February, and the scene you described with your daughter sounds exactly like many of the ones we have at our house! Only, Sunshine comes by it naturally because I’m a perfectionist, too. I’d rather just not do something at all than do it poorly.
A friend of mine has a perfectionist daughter who’s now in high school. No matter what my friend does, her daughter still stresses about doing everything right, and agonizes any time she messes up. I wonder if there really is a solution, a way to change how they view the world, or if it’s just about teaching our kids how to cope. I suspect it may be the latter.
Caryn, I’ve been thinking the same thing–is their a solution or is it more of a let’s find a way to deal with this aspect of your personality? I’m hoping Gayle is right, and it’s something she grows out of as she is able to accomplish more of what she wants.