I’ve been saying this for years: I’m not a mean drunk, but I am a mean tired.
When I’m exhausted, I’m meaner than a rattlesnake. Like, seriously. I snap and snarl and growl. I curse. I say things I don’t mean. I threaten punishments that are irrational and impossible-to-enforce. “If you wake your brother up–no, scratch that, if he wakes up at all–you get no computer time for week. No, a month! You’ll never look at a never screen of any kind ever again!”
The good news is, I don’t get rattlesnake tired very often. Yes, I get normal tired. After all, I’m a mom. Aren’t we all, always tired? And sometimes, on deadline, I’ll short change myself in the sleep department over and over again. After a week or so of that, I’m tired, but I’m not rattlesnake tired. Rattlesnake tired is when I’m that tired, and it’s bedtime, but the kids aren’t sleepy. So I make myself stay up until they’re finally asleep. And then I do my writing for the night. And then four hours later, my daughter wakes up, fresh as a daisy and can’t go back to sleep. That’s rattlesnake tired.
That’s how tired I am this morning.
She was up at 3:00, wide awake and raring to go. After an hour and a half of trying to get her back to sleep, of making irrational threats and spitting like a rattlesnake, that’s when little brother woke up too. That’s when we finally gave up and everyone got up for the day. Naturally, an hour and half later, dear daughter curled up into a ball on the sofa and fell back asleep. Just in time for me to wake her up for school in another thirty minutes.
Insomnia sucks. It just does. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t suffer from it sometimes. I have suffered from insomnia on and off throughout my life. I remember being two and not being able to fall asleep. I have techniques that work. And yet, somehow, I have failed to teach them to my kids. Or maybe my techniques just don’t work for her. When she’s up, she’s up. She’s like my husband that way. Or, maybe, I haven’t taught her how to deal with insomnia because her insomnia usually hits when I’m rattlesnake tired, when I’m at my worst as a parent, when I have absolutely no reserves to draw on.
For now, I’m resigned to just being exhausted all day today. I will muddle through, trying to keep my inner snake caged, until tonight, when we will probably all fall into an exhausted, insomnia-less sleep.
Emily McKay loves to cook, bake and play with her kids. When she’s not on deadline, she also gardens, composts, follows celebrity gossip, and practices yoga. When she is on deadline, she … well, she panics, and does all of those things with more nervous energy. She lives in central Texas with her husband, two kids, zen cat, and two dogs.
Oh, Emily. I’m so sorry. There is nothing worse than wanting to sleep and having to stay up because your kids are up. I have never suffered from insomnia, but when Baby Galen started sleeping through the night, I would still wake up at like 4 and be unable to go back to sleep because I’d be panicked about her waking up. Stupid, right? It was anxiety. I started taking melatonin and a few months later my sleep schedule was back. That was my brief bout with insomnia, and I do not look forward to repeating it.
Yeah, Shana, I remember being there as a parent. So worried about them sleeping that you don’t sleep at all. When they’re tiny, it just seems like everything in the household revolves around their sleep schedule. And it’s so hard to break that habit!
Kudos to you…you still wrote coherently! I just moved house and had a couple of sleepless nights. When my boys were younger, they used to wake up at ridiculous times. I hear you there! Jen
Yes, Jen, I imagine there are all kinds of sleepless nights around a move. It just takes time to settle into a new place, right?
Yes…and a break up too. But I did go to rattlesnake a couple of nights ago. Maybe it scared the ex away forever. It’s a good thing. Also scared the shit outta me!
Oh, a move and a break up. Yes, that’s tough. But good thing you scared the ex away. Going rattlesnake always scares me too. You know, sometimes you know your tired, but you think you have it under control, then you lose it. “It’s like, yikes, where did that come from? Oh, yeah, four hours of sleep. Right.”
Well yes thank you for understanding. It was two nights w/o sleep then forgot to take (well ran out of) my antidepressants. There was a lot of pent up rage. It would be like blaming it on PMS. There’s always a reason behind it but just less tolerance for the reason. I’m not proud of who I was in that moment though.
So sorry to hear you have to go through that. I have the opposite problem, and have been diagnosed with narcolepsy (but my knowledge of the disorder–and my lack of two of the MAJOR symptoms–leads me to believe that I have something else, like hypersomnia). Either way, I’m tired all the time, regardless how much sleep I get. Four hours, twelve hours (okay, maybe 10 hours, if I go to bed when the kids do), it doesn’t matter. I still function at the same level as people who get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and subsequently fall back asleep with no trouble. I live on coffee. And I definitely get to the point of irrational and impossible punishments. My fingers are crossed that you will be able to get some sleep tonight!
Oh, Noelle! That sounds horrible!
Yeah, that doesn’t sound like narcolepsy to me either. I’m assuming you’ve been to sleep specialist, right? I hope they find something to help you!
I literally feel your pain. I get insomnia now and then (like last night). I end up tossing and turning and knowing that I should just get up and read. When little children cannot sleep, but you’re exhausted, the frustration level is enormous. You just want to sit down and cry. When my children were small, I made sure they did not eat or drink anything that could stimulate them so they couldn’t sleep. Things like caffeine, sugar and salt in foods can be the worst culprits. In addition, they have to have quiet time before bed. My son and daughter-in-law call it “time to get peaceful.” This means get relaxed, read and be quiet. Then, a kiss goodnight, a cool room, loose clothing and off to la-la-land. Hopefully, all of you will sleep well tonight.
Connie, normally, if I’m having trouble sleeping but no one else is, it’s not a big deal. I just get up and work. I get some great writing done in the middle of the night. But if we’re trying to get the kids to fall back asleep, then the whole system breaks down. Maybe we need to develop a plan for the future. I’m sure this won’t be the last time this happens.
I feel your pain, Emily. My problem is, there are three of them. One has to be up for school by 6:30. The other two don’t. And I like to use my couple hours in the morning alone so I don’t like to wake them up. Diva sleeps okay and at a reasonable hour. Danger baby never has. He gets more wound up at bed time and generally bounces off the walls ( sometimes literally) and often stays awake until past midnight. I honestly don’t know what to do with him. There is no routine that helps, no singing, no laying down with him. Now, I’m a mean mommy and if it’s not time to be up, you’re in your room and LEAVE ME ALONE. So that means even if he’s up, at this point, we’re not. He’s in his room doing his thing. Read, whatever, but if it’s night time, you’re on your own!! (and that’s what happens when THIS mom is rattlesnake tired.)
It’s interesting to me how kids just need different amounts of sleep. My daughter has just never really needed as much sleep as kids are “supposed to need.” We saw an endocrinologist who said highly intelligent people need less sleep and she is a smart one. So maybe Danger baby is just highly intelligent.
I’m a mean tired too! I love the name rattlesnake tired. That totally describes how quickly and viciously I can strike. The good thing is I usually realize that I’m being irrational and try to keep it in check, but it’s hard (especially when your source of frustration is what has caused your lack of sleep). I’ve never thought of myself as having insomnia, but I do have nights where I can’t seem to shut off my brain and unfortunately those usually coincide with a kiddo waking up in the middle of the night. I wish you much peace and productivity today and a restful night ahead! And I hope you find some cookies. They totally make things better
Yeah, I’ve decided when I’m tired like that, it’s just best not to talk at all. That way I won’t say something I regret, like, “That’s if you never get to eat birthday cake again! Not even on your own birthday!”
See this is what’s nice about having my girls in their own rooms. Our oldest doesn’t always go to sleep right away when we put them to bed. She’s at that age where she’s fighting sleep, though last night at dinner I noticed she was acting extremely tired. As soon as she was done, we put her to bed, almost an hour earlier than normal, but she went to sleep. But that’s a whole ‘nother story… anyways some nights she’s up in her room, though she stays in bed. As long as she’s quiet we have no problems and that is most of the time. Of course this is right at bedtime. I know she wakes up on occasion in the middle of the night, but she stays in her room and goes back to sleep.
I’m like Maisey, once they’re in their rooms for the night, that’s it, unless we have an accident or someone is sick, then we go in. But other than that, they stay quiet and they go to sleep.
I’ve had insomnia my entire life. But I stayed in my room, read a book or turned my music on softly. Pretty sure my parents would have killed me if I’d waken everybody up.
Enjoyed this. Never thought of it as rattlesnake tired, but yeah–that works. Hope you survive until you can rest. Along with all others who tread a little too close!
Yes, I survived. And I only had one rattlesnake moment where i just lost it with the kids. One more than I wish I had, but still not too bad.
Hope you have a great night’s sleep tonight, Emily! I’m exactly the same way when I’m really sleep-deprived: short-tempered, making irrational threats, etc etc. Or when we’re trying to put the girls to bed and WonderGirl is running all over the room, thinking it’s funny. It’s like as soon as she hears the words “okay, get in your bed”, it lights up some kind of fuse inside. I can’t wait till they’re at the age where they can amuse themselves in their own room. For now, it’s a no-go. But I can hope. =)
yeah, my little one just can’t sleep unless there’s someone at least in the room with him. We’re working on it, trying to ween him off of it, but it’s a slow process and so much harder when I’m exhausted!
I got some pretty good sleep last night, but I still have that residual tired things going on .
Emily, does doing yoga help you at all with the insomnia? Do you get it more at certain times of the month? Like is it related to your menstrual cycle? Maybe you should keep a diary for a while and see if you see a pattern. And if it gets consistent, cut back on caffeine. I’m an insomnia expert–it’s totally related to my cycle–the week before my period, I can’t sleep worth *@&$*@($*!!!!!
Exercise does help, but it’s totally linked to my menstrual cycle (and to my writing schedule). Yes, the week before my period, it’s always a crap shoot. And if I can quietly get up and write for a little bit until I get sleepy again, it’s not too bad. But if I have to just lay there, it drives me crazy!
And then, of course, I also have deadline insomnia, but that’s a whole ‘nother beast.
Hope you’re sleeping better!
xoxo
The Clarences
Thanks! I did get some good rest last night. And the kids slept like the dead, so that’s good.
Oh good! Glad you and the kids were able to get some sleep!
xoxo
The Clarences
http://www.theclarences.com
I normally sleep very well. But I have children who didn’t sleep through the night until they were at least 15 months. And several who now wake at 6am. And every now and again, I have a white night. One where I can’t get to sleep or wake at 2am and can’t get back to sleep. I always used to lie in bed on these nights, waiting endlessly for sleep to come. Now, I get up and work or read until my brain has settled enough to go back to sleep again.
I hope your next few nights are easier.
Yeah, my kids didn’t sleep through the night until … oh, she was 18 months I think and he was about 15 months. Those are long, grueling years. I nursed them, so from about 6 months they always fell back asleep quickly, but it still made a good night’s sleep difficult.