In the field of embarrassing one’s children, I believe I am Picasso.
Let’s face it. When we’re pregnant or waiting for the adoption to come through, we imagine that beautiful, gold-hued bond that we’ll have with our little ones, our angels, those babies we so wanted and already loved beyond measure.
And we do love, and we are bonded. Everything is perfect and amazing…even when they throw up not just on you, but in your mouth. When they poop on your clean clothes 30 seconds before you have to leave for the first meeting you’ve had since their birth. Even when they scream for eight hours and thirty-seven minutes straight, your arms are shaking from holding them for so long, and tears are streaming down your own face at your inability to comfort them. Even then, they are our perfect angels.
And then, they learn to speak.
“You have a bald spot in your eyebrow,” my then three-year-old daughter announced in church one day, not using her inside voice. “Can I rub your bumpy mole?”
“My penis is fat,” a certain male toddler who shall not be identified once told a clerk in the grocery store. “Want to see?”
As they get older, the commentary changes in tenor. It’s not so innocent anymore. “I’m not sure that color looks good on you,” a certain daughter might say. “It’s meant for someone younger. Sorry.”
Or, “If you have to come to the meet, don’t cheer for me, hug me or look at me, okay?”
I think they’ve earned some embarrassment, don’t you? It’s the judgment. How dare they, after throwing up in my mouth? Right? I now gleefully and regularly embarrass my kids. It’s one of the great joys of my life.
One day, we were stopped at a light, and our radio was playing “Boom Boom Pow” by the Black-Eyed Peas. I was singing along. “How do you know these lyrics?” asked Princess Daughter. “This is one of my songs. Also, that man can hear you, so stop singing. Mommy. Stop it. I mean it! Stop!”
I turned to the man and started singing more loudly, thank you very much. “I’m so 3008, you so 2000 and late!” Not only that, I started car-bopping. That’s right. Dancin’ AND singin’, baby! In public!
Another surefire way to mortify the kids is to remind them of their origins. Our daughter came upon her father and me exchanging a fond kiss one day. “Oh, God. Senior citizen snogging,” she blurted. “Run!” She and her brother fled.
“Where do you think you two came from, anyway?” I yelled at their backs. Their screams of horror were my answer.
Each year, I go into the local school and talk to the 8th graders about being a writer. This year, my son is in 8th grade. “You won’t come in this year, will you?” he asked worriedly.
“Oh, I’m so coming in this year,” I said. “And I’m going to talk about writing love scenes unless you clean out that closet right now.” (The closet was immaculate 20 minutes later, I’ll have you know, and kudos for me. I don’t write love scenes, but my son has never read my books.)
In a way, I embarrass my kids because yes, it’s revenge. And because it’s fun. But I also want them to know that being oneself is a gift. No, I’m not a good dancer. But I love to dance, so I’m gonna. I want my daughter to know the joy of not caring what other people think, to be able to enjoy the moment. I acknowledge that 13-year-old boys don’t always relish maternal affection. But I love my son, and I want him to get that message every day. I know in my heart that hugs and kisses are good for the soul, and they mean much more than being cool.
I know the kids secretly love when I cheer for them at a meet, or whistle after their song, or cry when they do something really special. I know they’re happy that their parents love each other. They have a happy family, where it’s okay to tease each other, laugh together and kick back a little. Even if it’s embarrassing.
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Kristan Higgins is the mother of two teenagers and a New York Times bestselling author with no sense of rhythm whatsoever. She has been known to dance in the dressing room of many department stores, often makes up the lyrics to songs she doesn’t know and has been seen making out with her husband at the disgusting age of 47. Visit her website at http://www.kristanhiggins.com or swing by her Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/KristanHigginsBooks.
Whenever my son tells his dad or I that we’re embarrassing him, we tell him to get used to it – he’s only 11, so we’ll be embarrassing things for a few more years. We both remember enough of our teenaged years to recall that kids find their parents painfully uncool. I try to respect is wishes about no PDA in public and not referring to him as `sweetie` in public, but sometimes I forget and he has to remind me (lol). He has recently decreed that I’m not to dance anywhere where I might be seen, including our kitchen, where horrors of horrors – he might see me!. I often dance while his favourite Top 40 dance station on the radio – I told him the music was fun and if he wanted me to stop dancing, he should start listening to classical music!
Kristan, this was hilarious AND touching! Somehow you always manage to do it all–which is what I love best about you!!! Your voice rings so true and clear: family, friends, and the simple things in life are what matter most.
We’re thrilled to have you here on Peanut Butter on the Keyboard. For me, you’re a great example of someone who’s maintained balance as a mom and writer. Thanks for the inspiration!!!
:>)
Teasing and playing with one another is the best! Our sons are now ages 45 and 40. When they were little, they did their share of embarrassing us – yes indeedy! When they started arguing and fighting upstairs, their Dad would go to the stairs with the old threat, “don’t make me come up there.” If things worsened, he would get a balsa yardstick and smack it on the stairs. Several times, this led to him smacking it so hard it broke. When they heard that, it would bring on the giggles upstairs and broke up the tension. It became a family joke. My husband did it on purpose to get them to laugh. (He kept a supply of them.) We recently gave one son a yard stick so he can carry on the tradition. This isn’t necessarily embarrassing them, but another way for them to think of us as goobers.
Today, they love to tease us by threatening to put us in a home…in Buffalo…with eastern exposure so we can enjoy the lake-effect snows. They also add the threat that the windows will have cracks in them and the room will be unheated, however we will have our warm (wet) Depends to keep us warm! Brats! I guess we must have really embarrassed them big time somewhere along the road.
Have fun with your children. Laugh and tease and don’t take things too seriously. While they are your children today, tomorrow they will be your best friends.
I love this. When my youngest used to return to college on Sunday nights, he would never hug me or anything, but he’d stand at the back door and wait until I came and hugged him. Told him to be careful. Said I love you.
It’s been years now. I could still cry about it. And I’m still so glad for it.
OMG…you have me laughing out loud at work! Co-workers are looking at me strangely. Oh well; let them look.
I agree with you completely. I sing and dance in the car with my kids all the time. They’re still young enough to enjoy it…until I open the windows. Then I get the “Mooommm…don’t!”
Love your books, Kristan. They always make me smile. Have you ever considered teaching a class (pretty please)?
Hey, PBJs! Thanks for having me! I’ll tell you the truth: that balance thing is a constant effort. Some days are better than others, as I’m sure every mom/writer knows. And those funny moments go a long way to making a happy and fun life, so seize the day, Moms! Get out there and embarrass your kids!
true enough that there really are the bad days that we moms go through. I am 30 years old and I became a mom when I was only 19. Raising my kids was really tough because I didn’t have my mother to catch me on those days that I was already becoming a monster because my husband didn’t know well either on how to raise kids. Though they say that parenting comes naturally, you can’t always say that even if you are the mother of your children, that you are always on the right track of disciplining. My eldest has been my first practicals on becoming a mom and I really regret on the many ways I know I have failed on becoming the best mom at least for her during her earlier years because I was too OC on her. I have been the most perfectionist mom there is during her time and I really feel sorry for being that kind of mom I was back then. So on my second child, I have learned from my eldest the mistakes I told myself which I will never do to my second. True enough, we should really seize the moment each time..I learned to live by a lot happier!
Oh, wow. I love this!
At this age, my daughter still embarrasses me. I think it’s only fair that I get to repay her!
I thought that was the fun part of parenthood, to embarrass the easily mortified children.
Kristan, that is hilarious! And it seems like it’s only fair to me. My middle child peed on my laptop and fried it, my daughter recently broke my ipad. My oldest son (who had a speech delay so every word out of the cherubs mouth is a treasure. Really. I almost believe it) once shouted in a store: MOMMY LOOK AT THAT BIG MAN!!! HE’S A REALLY BIG MAN. *headdesk* So I’m looking forward to giving it right back!!
We’re so glad you joined us PBK moms here today!
I can’t wait until I can embarrass my kids too! The things that they say! Some are so sweet but some stuff makes me cringe on the inside.
Yeah, Kristan, I love this. I’m so ready to be able to give it back. I’m not that easily embarrassed. Case in point, yesterday we were in Target and I needed new underwear so we were over in that section and Babybee (my 2 year old) declares loudly, pointing at the bras, “Look, Mommy’s boobies.” When I laughed, she only did it louder. I probably should have been embarrassed, but frankly I just thought it was hilarious. But yes, I’m very much looking forward to the day when I embarrass them for all the reasons you said. Lovely blog!
Love it!
xoxo
The Clarences
Hi Kristan!! *waves wildly* Ahh… this reminds me of when my brother turned 16 when he was working at the local convenience store/gas station and my parents sent him a birthday bouquet with condoms. Our parents lived to embarrass us. =)
Thanks, everyone! So nice to read your comments! I had a great time at PBK…thanks for having me!
Kristan–Sorry I am just now getting to read your guest blog. Been a very long day. How nice to end it with a good laugh. I love your sense of humor! I actually embarrassed my dear son this afternoon on the way to basketball practice.Tooting the horn at the car in front of us at a light. “Mom!” Oh well–what comes around, goes around.(I think that’s the saying.) I still can remember instances when my mother embarrassed me. It truly is a parent perk.. BTW, the penis story is hilarious. Out of the mouths of babes, Thanks, and good night, Anne
Hi, Anne! So nice to see your name, and thanks for popping by!
I know I am late, too! Loved your blog & all of your books! It sounds like you have a lovely & loving family. They are lucky to have you!