This time of year, I’m forced to confront something quite unpleasant: my teenage self.
Here’s something you may or may not yet know about parenting. You are constantly coming head to head with yourself and all your emotional crap. We writers tend to feel like we’ve got a pretty good grasp on our emotionally issues. We have to tap into our deepest issues to create compelling characters. I wrote for more than a decade before I had my daughter, so I felt like I was pretty in touch with my issues. Mommy issues, daddy issues, self-confidence issues, acceptance issues. I dealt with them all. I should have been set when it came to this parenting thing.
By the way, here’s something you should know about me as a writer: I always far short of my own standards. I constantly struggle to overcome my own perfectionism. None of my books is as good as I want them to be. I am not proud to call myself a perfectionist. It’s not a gift, it’s a demon to wrestle to the ground, only to be fought again the next day.
But, like I said, I was a writer for ten years before I had my first kid. I was used to fighting that demon when it came to my books. A couple of years into parenting, I had one of those big ah ha moments. All my crazy perfectionism? I bring that to parenting, too.
My daughter was about two when I realized this. Once again, being a writer served me well. I’ve worked to accept that my books will never match the ideal in my head. I can make peace with that. I continue to struggle with my perfectionism as a parent. But I’ve got this inside track, right? I have more than a decade of making peace with my own limitations. Surely I should be able to accept that I’ll never be the perfect parent. I still wouldn’t say I’m great at letting go of the perfectionism, but I’m making progress.
There is, however, one element of parenting that has me running scared. One mystery that I am no closer to unraveling: how to deal with my inner angsty teenager.
This is the girl who was shy and awkward in high school. The introvert who had no idea how to function in a world of extroverts. The unpopular girl. The girl was just a little overweight and whose parents were on the undernourished side of the local pay-scale. Think of every pathetic, teenage cliche and that was me.
That girl friggin’ hates it when I have to go to school events. Like a Tinkerbell who doesn’t get enough applause, she dies a little every time she has to rub elbows with the other parents at a school event. It is agony. It makes me want to drive straight home, dye my hair emo black and listen to The Smiths too loud on my ipod.
I have not yet figured out how to broker a peace between my inner whiney teenager and my daughter’s Booster Club. I’m hoping like hell that I will figure out a way to deal with it though. My daughter is only in the second grade. I have a lot of booster club meetings to live through between now and graduation.
For now, I’m doing the best I can. I go to my daughter’s school and grit my teeth and smile. It’s what we all do when it comes to our kids, right? We put them first. No matter what. Besides, I’m sure that just as soon I figure out how to deal with my inner angsty teenager, parenting will throw some new deep seated issue my way. Some new horror I haven’t yet conceived. It’ll happen. Just wait.
Until then, I’ll be the one at the back of the Booster Club meeting that looks like she wants to swallow her tongue. And maybe actually has.
So what personal issues has parenting brought up for you? Any tips on how to deal?
Emily McKay loves to cook, bake and play with her kids. When she’s not on deadline, she also gardens, composts, follows celebrity gossip, and practices yoga. When she is on deadline, she … well, she panics, and does all of those things with more nervous energy. She lives in central Texas with her husband, two kids, zen cat, and two dogs.
I can so relate to this! I was shy and awkward as a student too. Now my daughter (grade 3) wants to try her hands at everything. Even the stuff she is obviously not good at. And while I cheer her on, secretly I am nervous as hell about her experiments. “Will she make a complete fool of herself and get laughed at in that dance contest she is trying for?” While I admire her guts (i would have just sat on the side benches) I also worry for her self esteem. fervently praying that she has the strength to deal with mockery and failure.
Oh my gosh! Yes!!!
That’s exactly the kind of emotional roller coaster I’m talking about. My daughter really puts herself out there. She’ll run up and hug just about anybody. She wants to be friends with everyone and do everything and I’m afraid she’s not picking up the emotional cues. It’s terrifying.
I totally understand that ! Please share with me any insights you gain
Emily, I’m posting later this month about my daughter’s perfectionism, so I’ll need your input on that one.
I know exactly what you’re saying. I was the kid in all black, listening to The Smiths, and reading Anne Rice. How do I have this kid who, like yours and justanotherwakeupcall’s, is a social butterfly? It is obviously my husband’s genes. She wants to hug everyone, be everyone’s friend, and so on. And guess what? I’m one of the room parents this year. I don’t even want to get into how that happened. Why am I, the anti-social one at the school, the room parent? What about all the other moms who are on the decorating and luncheon committees? Aren’t they better suited for this sort of thing? Now I’m organizing a two-year-old Halloween party and talking about teacher birthday gifts (can’t we just get them a Visa gift card?). But it’s good for us, right? It’s all fodder for the next book…
Shana, my daughter has the perfectionist thing too, and I’m still trying to translate what I’ve learned about dealing with it for me into useful things for her. Hopefully, I’ll have a handle on it in time to help you with Baby Galen.
So far I have avoided the room parent thing (Whew!). But I do volunteer on library day. That’s my speed.
I think that there’s a wonderful opportunity here for you to not just cheer on your offspring… but to look out for those that maybe need some cheering on that aren’t getting it… You’ll never know what ‘clicks’ with some child out there that just needs one little piece of respect and or praise for effort….
“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.” Woody Allen
Cate, that’s a great quote from Woody Allen.
And super advice about watching out for other kids too. That’s one of the things I do at writing conferences–I look for someone who looks more miserable than I am and try to make them comfortable. It totally makes sense that that will work with kids too.
As a mom I’ve found this to be absolutely true – there are kids starving for adult attention. At the community pool in the summer, I’m the mom sitting at the edge of the water with kids saying “hey – watch this!”, kids I don’t even know!
My own children are 15, 13, 11 and 5 – and I’m still dealing with MY inner teenager every time I have to attend a back-to-school night, a football or hockey game, a play, a music event. It doesn’t help that they attend the same school I graduated from. I’ve found the best way to deal with my emotional baggage is to force myself to volunteer – PTA, soccer boosters, etc. It’s difficult, but it constantly reminds me that I am now an adult who has lots of great qualities to share with others, even if those same people didn’t notice it in high-school.
Well, I’m not having to deal with much in the line of school events just yet since my girls are just in Mother’s Day out. But at the front of the year I have to fill out a form and indicate ways I’m willing to volunteer. The way I figure, I’m paying for this experience for 2 reasons, the primary being so that I have time away from the kids to write, the 2nd is for the girls to have time away from me, to play with other kids, learn to listen to other adults – prime them for school, as it were. So if I’m using this time to write, then I can’t be there too so I tend to volunteer to buy things.
It’s limiting my opportunities to make friends with the other mothers, but well, that’s just something I’ll have to miss out on.
As far as dealing with your own crap with parenting. No one could have prepared me for the lows that come with parenting. Like you said, being a writer gives you a pretty confident feeling that you know all your internal junk, that you’re more evolved than non-writers b/c we deal with our own baggage all the time. Parenting digs that much deeper, deals with different issues, perhaps even creates new baggage. I did not expect the introvert in me to buck against having the kids as much. I’ve always been that person that loved being around small children. I’m the favorite aunt, etc. But those were always the kids that went away. Now I have small people with me ALL THE TIME and my poor little introvert has suffered. Most days we’re all good. Had a bad day this week, just needing to be alone, but you know you can’t do that as a mom so you just struggle through, do the best you can.
Yes! I totally hear you on the introvert thing! It is tough. I mean, seriously, seriously tough. Somehow you learn to just listen less. I know that sounds bad, but we introverts have to have tools to cope with the all the noise little people make.
maybe it’s time to join some sort of moms/writers coop… farm them out one day…
Emily, I get this so much! What was hard for me was being in a school at the PTA meetings where the moms were just like in high school: the cool ones had their own group at the meetings–they were on the left and the nerdy ones like me sat on the right…and ne’er the twain shall meet. I remember that when I moved to this town in NC that shall remain nameless , I was completely rejected by the cool group, who’d raised $3,000 for the school at the winter carnival the year before. Anyway, I volunteered to run the same carnival that year. None of the cool moms would help–seriously. It boggled my mind!!! Anyway, we raked in $10,000 for our children. I have to admit, even though I was mainly proud we raised that money for the school that it was also a sweet victory when I looked over at those unhelpful women and they couldn’t do anything but politely clap when it was announced how much we’d raised.
While most people grow up and out of mean high school behavior, some don’t. Fact of life. So you go in there and be proud of who you are, and pity the people who don’t act like adults around you…you might run into a few.
And always stay focused on the important thing–that you’re there for THE KIDS. Funny how some grown-ups forget that. I seriously think they must not have anything better to do, which is sad. :>)
Love this Kieran, and your’re 100% right.
Yes! That’s one of the things that drives me crazy. It kills me that the cool kids are still the cool kids. And as I’m writing this, I think I’m figuring out why this bugs me so much. It’s that my big fear is that I’m a fraud and not worthy of the success I’ve had as an adult. The fact that those “cool” kids still don’t think I’m cool is somehow proof that they see through my facade. Of course, this is ridiculous, since they don’t have any clue who I even am. Umm…
I figured them out for the most part, Emily. They tend to have low self esteem or are terribly unenlightened, the ones who still try to act “cool.” No person who truly has a solid grasp of what it means to be a decent person would ever continue acting that way…they’re either misbehaving from fear or ignorance.
I just went to my high school reunion and met some of the old cool kids. Some had changed completely (for the better), and some were still caught up in that high school dynamic. The latter group were honestly pitiful creatures. I would hate to be my age and be either that ignorant or afraid.
So hold your head up at school and be proud to be your best self!!! :>)
Emily,
I suffer from the same personal issues, but I also suffer from the young mom issue. I had my babies in my late teens. I was a statistic, and most of the other moms are older. My inner teenager and self-loathing comes out at every school gathering. I feel like I’m being judged for deciding to keep my children instead of giving them up for adoption. I want to scream that I did it! I can be a good mom from a young age, women in the 1800s did it all the time. Alas, I was also the unpopular in high school and bullied in elementary for my less than steller duds.Outside of that I loved school, so I’m desperately trying to get my children to embrace the academic purposes, although my daughter is the social mosquito.
Thanks for this post. It reminds me, just like Maisey did the other day, that I’m not alone in my thoughts and feelings. The funny part is there is probably at least a handful of anxiety-full parents at the same events as me. Have a great weekend!
Oh, honey, I feel ya!
I suffer from the old mom issue, because I had my kids late in life (I was 34 when my first was born). The only kids in my daughter’s class who have moms my age are the ones who are the product of a second marriage. Not that either is better or worse. I guess we all have issues.
I will say this, we have neighbors who live down the road from us. She came to motherhood extremely young and she is a fantastic mother. If I had any innate prejudice against young mothers, she’s set me straight … I’m sure you’re doing the same at your daughter’s school.
I read somewhere that certain people are non-joiners, and I felt a sense of relief that there were other non-joiners out there. It is hard when you have to do the “joiner” thing for your kids, but I have found there are usually more non-joiners in the group than you would think. Be honest with someone in the group, and express your discomfort and you will find someone who feels the same. I felt that way about my daughters school, and ballet but now I have found people who are like minded and it is much more comfortable.
Lol, I’m like this every day when I go to pick SuperGirl up from pre-school. I get all shy and self-conscious when I see the other parents coming to pick up their kids. What’s even worse, when I have to walk near the local high school on the way to the pre-school and I see all the “cool kids”, I immediately feel like that awkward, out-of-place teenager again! What’s funny is that my husband and I were talking about this the other day, and he feels the same way. At least I’m not alone. =)
I live in the suburbs of SoCal. My son is 10 and I’ve been a single mother for 9 years. I have chosen not to get involved in another relationship, focusing instead on raising my son. Seems like everyone in the suburbs is married or has an SO, and here I am year after year, alone, at all the school functions, all sports practices and games, etc. It’s a terribly isolating feeling, because none of the other mothers have the same issues as I do. Sometimes I feel like an endangered species behind a glass tank at the zoo.
I’m sorry I have no insight to help you, but your post has definitely addressed an issue I keep to myself. I had my first baby, a boy, last year, and at first really thought I wanted a girl instead of a boy, but have since changed my tune for some of the very reasons you and commentors have addressed. I wasn’t popular in high school, probably wasn’t even well known but being invisible is a bit better than being teased/bullied; been there done that. In some ways I dread having a little girl who will look to me for that strong confidence and those social insights around the “cool kids/parents”, something I can only fake (hopefully) and not sincerely portray from within! And you know that they ["cool" parents] know you’re not from the “cool” crowd. It’s odd but both my mother and mother-in-law were at least semi-popular in high school. My mother-in-law just spoke her mind and if you didn’t agree thats fine be on your way. My mother, she was a bit more intuitive to what others were thinking or feeling. I’m not sure how two very different people were semi-popular in their own ways.
Beautiful!
xoxo
The Clarences