Raise your hand if you are a first-born or only girl? Yes, I’m raising my hand. I actually have an older brother, but he’s eight years older than I am, and my little sister is 2 ½ years younger, which I am certain, were research to be done, would prove to be the perfect age for bossing around.
Directing Mommy & Grandpa
But then do first-born girls even need a reason or a younger sibling to be bossy? I was alarmed recently when Baby Galen’s teacher at her preschool told me about my daughter’s antics for the day. Apparently, Baby Galen had taken it upon herself to run the classroom. She was directing this kid to lie down and that kid to put his lunch away and so on. The teacher was laughing at how cute this behavior was and joked she should stay home and let Baby Galen run the class. I was thinking about what this sort of behavior held for the future.
No one likes bossy children. I was a teacher for years and dealt with many students who wanted to help me run my classroom. Some years I could have used the help, but that’s another blog. There’s really nothing that bristles as much as a young child telling an adult what to do. It’s why, as parents, we use phrases like, “Say please” and “Watch your tone.”
Somehow, Baby Galen had turned into a child who needed those phrases. And to my horror, a few days later, I heard her bossing her friends around. “Abby, you go over there. Sofia, you play chalk with me.” I pulled her aside and told her that she had to be nice to her friends. She looked at me like I was crazy. I’m sure in her mind she was doing them a favor by ruling over them.
About five minutes later, my fears were somewhat allayed. Because poor little Abby told my daughter, “You play ballerina.” Oh, thank goodness! My child isn’t the only bossy one.
But she’s still pretty darn bossy.
Any tips for curbing this bossiness? She’s a very polite child, so the bossiness isn’t intentionally rude. Can it be curbed or are little girls just naturally molded into little mommies?
——————————————————————————————————
Shana Galen, Multitasker Mama
I’m Shana G
alen, AKA Multitasker Mama (and aren’t we all?). I’m a wife, mom to a two-year-old daughter I call Baby Galen. My parenting motto is, “Keep moving. Don’t pass out. Don’t throw up.” Or maybe that’s my fitness motto? www.shanagalen.com
We used to say that our daughter was going to be a cruise director like Julie McCoy from the Love Boat, because she liked to “politely manage” people. I think when they are little everyone gets to tell them what to do, so it is fun for them to be in charge for awhile. (I am the oldest, and my brother is three years younger, so I may have a bossiness bias. )
Gayle, my younger sister still laments how I bossed her around when we were kids. In my defense, she seems to need a lot of guidance and STILL asks me for help with everything!
It sounds like she’s wanting to “play school” which is OK at home. However, when she is in Kindergarten, she won’t be allowed to do this. While it’s cute, her teacher needs to curb her gently. My daughter, a Kindergarten teacher, was telling me that in her classes every year she has students who have been taught nothing by their parents nor have they had any pre-school. They know that they can get away with not minding their parents and they think they can do the same thing in school. My daughter sets things straight on the very first day who is in charge. She told me one little boy cried five times the first day because he couldn’t get his way, but he soon learned.
Being a leader is good in many ways, but sometimes we all have to be an equal part of a group.
Connie, I was a teacher, so I know exactly what your daughter is talking about. I always had kids who wanted to “help” me. And Little Galen’s teachers do tell me things like, “We’re going to stay home on Wednesday and let her run the class.” They think it’s cute, but it won’t be in a couple of years!
Ohmigoodbar. I dealt with the same thing (and now Thing 1 is in 1st grade. *sniff*). She still tries to boss her brother around, and her teachers have declared her a “classroom leader.” I cringed inside, knowing that “leader” was code word for “bossy.” I’m constantly reminding her not to tell her brother what to do or how to play or where to go, but I’m hearing less reports of it in the classroom. (And I’m a volunteer, so I’m in the classroom myself, a lot. She really does curb it there.) I think the difference is that she’s more unsure with other kids than she is with her brother or closest friends, and her closest friends are also only or oldest girls. There’s something to be said for building a child’s confidence when they’re young so they’ll feel comfortable doing things on their own, and it’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Just ask some of our romance heroes.
I think pulling the girls aside and explaining that it’s not nice, or asking them to feel empathy (“would you like it if Alicia was telling you what to do all the time?”) can help, if only temporarily. If all else fails, other kids will get the message across. They say the darndest things, after all.
Noelle, I have been pulling her aside, so I’ll keep doing that. Glad I’m on the right track!
Her Highness Baby G is simply displaying her Excellent Leadership Skills….:)
Yes, she’s definitely a leader! I don’t necessarily want to follow…
You’re not alone, Shana! Baby B (who I think is about the same age as your little girl) does the same thing. She’s not in school yet, but when her friends are over, I often have to remind her that “We don’t boss our friends…we ask them if they’d like to play with us.” I am really hoping the school we’re on the wait list for has an opening soon. I do think being in school and realizing the world doesn’t revolve around them is so important.
But I wouldn’t freak out too much about it. I’m the youngest in my family, and even though I’m 33 and my sister is 43, she STILL bosses me! LOL! Nature of being first/only born, I think
I agree that it’s part of the nature of being a first-born, Jerrica. Fortunately, a lot of Little Galen’s friends are also first-borns, so they boss each other. But I am constantly telling her not to boss her friends or me or her dad or her teacher…
Lol–thanks for the morning laugh. It’s funny, SuperGirl is only bossy when it comes to WonderGirl playing with her toys. She’ll say, “You go into timeout!” Which might come from having a younger sibling instead of a similarly aged friend? With us, it seems her bossiness comes from her attitude, so we usually have to have a “talk” and remind her about her tone, etc. I also think it’s cute that Baby Galen is bossing everyone around. =) I don’t have any advice, but let me know if something works. I’m sure I’ll need it for the future! =)
Here’s what I find, Elise. Baby G is often imitating me or her daddy. The problem is she’s imitating us when we are upset with her because she has been misbehaving. So if I’ve asked her not to do that three times, and she does it again, I say, Don’t do that in a bossy tone. Then she’ll say the same thing back to me at another time. But it’s not appropriate for her to speak to me that way. I have a right to be bossy when she is not obeying. This is why your no screaming rule is good. Kids will do what their parents do.
You definitely want to hang onto those leadership skills! But as she grows and you teach her empathy, part of that will be lessons in humility. Great leaders know not to manipulate but to elicit the best in their followers, giving them opportunities to exercise their own free will and feel their own internal success. Shoving people around only creates resentment. We’ve all been in groups of grown women and immediately ID’d the bossy ones…and none of us like to be bossed around. Note how we all admire the humble leader in a group: she’s also a good listener and she gives sincere praise when it’s merited. She inspires. She knows when to re-direct, but she does it only after explaining and including those followers in her new vision.
A great teacher does all those things. She’s a leader, but she’s really the servant of the entire enterprise, isn’t she? That’s so different from being bossy.
You have many years in which to teach your daughter all these nuanced lessons about leadership. While she’s still really young and seeing the world in black-and-white, she might require some overseeing in a group and small tweaks through adult redirection–she might also need to fall flat on her face through receiving peer censure for being bossy. That’s another way to learn.
But while all this is going on–and it shouldn’t be burdensome, just a long, natural process–she also needs to be able to express her fiery self. That needs to be appreciated. There’s a good side and bad side to every personality trait. So as much as you want to get her on that middle ground, make sure she gets every opportunity to show the good side of being a forceful personality, too.
Just my two cents’. Great post!!!
Kieran, you put it all into perspective, You’re exactly right about what it takes to be a great leader/teacher. And everyone does say a lot of these “negative” personality traits will be good when she’s older.
My first-born girl is also the director/mommy type. When she was a toddler, she would announce to her whole class, “Okay, everybody, time to lay down!” And they would…ha! In Pre-K she had a tough time being bossy at the beginning of the year, so her teacher worked with her on making “suggestions” or asking if a friend wanting to do something rather than telling them what to do. She made big improvements on that this year! It’s definitely a skill that can be taught. I would say for now just be greatful that she has leadership skills and worry about honing those skills when she gets a little older!
Julie, I think you must have been watching my little one in class. She does the same thing! I’m so glad to hear teachers are willing to work with kids on this because it’s really around other kids that it comes out the most.
I have two bossy girls and I remember my mom fussing at me when I was little for being too bossy. Maybe it’s just a girl thing. Or maybe it’s just us girls that have control issues…perhaps my girls will grow up and be writers too. Not sure if that should frighten me or make me happy.
Oh, Robyn, there are plenty of bossy girls who are not writers. Some are teachers and many are lawyers