I just got home from the national Romance Writers of America annual conference. I am, of course, completely exhausted!
One evening in the bar, I stumbled into a conversation with a group of three women (only one of whom I’d even met before). For one of the women, it was only her second RWA. Not long after I joined the conversation, she said, “Finally, a conversation about writing! I’ve been waiting two years to talk about writing with writers.”
In the interests of full disclosure, it’s not like I walked up and instantly started talking craft. I just happened to walk up at the right moment.
The interesting thing is, when I asked her what people had been talking about besides craft and writing, she said, “They talk about their kids and their husbands. They talk about their families.” I knew exactly what she meant. At RWA we do talk about our families a lot. We also talk about the industry and our favorite authors. We talk about our editors and our process. We talk about our agents and our blogs. But somehow it always circles back around to our families.
On one hand, I think that annoys some women. On one hand, we’re at a writer’s conference. We pay to talk to other writers … about writing. Furthermore, if we were an organization of mostly men, we would not spend all this time talking about our kids and husbands. Yeah, it might come up. But it would never be thirty percent or more of the conversation.
So I get it.
But at the end of the day, we can’t divorce ourselves from our motherhood. It’s just part of who we are. We can’t turn it off. Being a mother affects our writing, our themes, our productivity and our creativity. Being a mother is tied so tightly to being a writer, I don’t know how not to talk about it. I am a totally different person than that woman who didn’t have kids that I was eight years ago. (Or maybe nine years ago, before my first failed pregnancy.) I am a whole different person and therefore a whole different writer.
So what do you think? If you’re a mom and a something else, can you divorce those parts of yourself? Do you even want to?
Leave a comment and I’ll pick one winner to receive a goodie bag from conference — a cool bag, some neat freebies and books!
I’m Emily McKay, AKA The Hippie Chick Mama. Why Hippie Chick? Well, ’cause I’m one of the those organic-veggie-eating, raw-milk-drinking, yoga-practicing … okay, you get the idea. I’ve got two kiddos. The McDaughter is in the first grade and the McSon just turned four. My husband, The Geek, travels a lot and works with robots and Legos. No, seriously, it’s a real job. I love to cook and bake. When I’m not cleaning up after kids or doing laundry, I write for Harlequin Desire, YA Romcoms under the name of Ivy Adams, and paranormal YA for Berkley.
I think you can be both. Having a career and being a mother is very possible. You have to accept a position with the understanding that there will be days when you may have to duck out early or not come into the office at all if you have a sick child. However, a good employee will check into the office often during the day to see how things are going. I’m so happy to see more people working from home. Studies show that these employees actually put in longer hours too. We only have our children for a short period of time before they fly the nest, so we need to enjoy being with them and teaching them as much as possible. It can be done. Just try to keep your cool and you can do both!
Connie Fischer
conniecape@aol.com
Connie, I definitely believe that people who work at home work longer hours. It seems like I’m always working! If I went into an office to work, may it would be easier to separate out my time.
It was SO, SO great to see you and the other PBOK mom writers in Anaheim, Emily! And like you, I can’t really separate those parts of me–mother and writer–and don’t want to. They make up who I am. I try to find the right time and place to talk mommy issues because yes, I am a professional writer and want to stay that way, but I’m also not into stripping my personality and becoming a clinical version of my real self–just so I can call myself professional.
I think being mothers gives us courage to be our whole selves.
Becoming a mom definitely made me a more curious, strong, brave, flexible person, which in turn helped me become the writer I’ve always wanted to be. So I will never deny the mommy in me, LOL!!!
:>)
Kieran, yes, it was so great to meet you in person!
And, like you, I don’t want to divorce my writer self from my mommy self. After writing this post last night, I started to wonder if maybe it doesn’t have something to do with how deeply person writing is. The core themes of our books our tied to the person we are at the moment we write them. We have to plumb the depths of our emotional experience to write and those depths always include our families.
Yes, I totally agree about plumbing those depths. Well said!!!
I had a full time job when I had my first child (at 35) & I never thought it would bother me going back to work. It did! I cried on the way to work after leaving my baby in the arms of a very nice at-home mom babysitter. I hated hearing about what he did from someone else. I ended up switching to 3 days a week & letting my husband do the drop off. After my 2nd child (at 42!), with 2 miscarriages in between, I never wanted to go back. I took of 9 mos. It never was the same & I ended up quitting that job after 2 more years. Since then, I have worked less stressful part time jobs. I miss the money that a college-level position pays, but I needed that time with both of my kids. As I was leaving that job, I don’t regret taking that time to be with my kids. My little one is almost 13 & I still hate when I can’t be home when she gets home from school.
Sharlene, like you, I came to motherhood later in life. I felt like a complete person before I had them and I didn’t imagine how much having kids would change me. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to leave a little one to go back to work, and I really admire the people who do it! I’m so thankful that I can work from home. Even when I’m working long hours, I’m always nearby.
I’m a mom first, writer second. I can’t separate the two, but I have to admit I avoid stories with kids in them. I have plenty at home! Conference is a good time to connect about writing and life and work. If it was writing talk all the time I wouldn’t understand when or how my friends navigate their life and writing. Sometimes it isn’t kids, it’s taking care of our parents or spouses. I’m all for blending our worlds. And I really enjoyed my late night talks with friends this week. RWA National always reminds me if being at camp or college.
Enjoyed your post!
It’s funny, Nicki, I love talking about craft and writing. I mean, I really love it! But I often don’t talk about craft at conferences. I wonder why that is? Maybe I just don’t want to sound like I’m lecturing. Get me in a small group of friends and we go and go on craft. Robyn and I talk craft all the time. I just don’t do it with strangers. Is it possible that my writing process is even more intimate a topic than my kids?
Great post. I don’t think you can separate the two. Yes, you can certainly be a writer (or other professional being) and not discuss your children non-stop but you’re still a mom. Underneath it all, being a parent totally defines the woman that I am.
I LOVE going to conferences and getting a little break for the day-to-day care of my 3 children but they aren’t far from my thoughts and my critique partners and I love to share our mom-stories with each other. It connects us as much as our writer-selves.
Me too, Ginger! And mostly, I just love that at conferences, I’m not responsible for any one else. I don’t have to get them drinks or cut up their food. If they run around the room and crack their head open, it’s not my fault!
I truly am a mom first. My sons were the center of my world for 12 years as I was lucky to be a stay at home mom and then I started working again so there would be extra money for the sports and stuff. I started working first in their school since that was an easy in if they were sick or anything. The school never complained about a worker staying home with a sick kid instead of sending the kid into the school so she could work. I since then had to go to work full time so that we could have medical benefits and went back into the retail business. As a cashier I’ve gotten to know my regular customers very well. My boys are both adults living at home now and on more than one occasion one or the other has had to pick me up from work because we only have one vehicle. Most my regulars know my boys by sight and if they have young ones are not afraid to ask questions because they see what I have raised. I will never give up having my boys be first even while at school (I’m very slowly working towards a degree) or at work. They help define who I am. Many at work knew my husband first and I’m called Mrs. Bill by them and many others know me by my boys and I’m known as Billy’s Mom or Joe’s Mom and those that know me from when I worked at the schools know me as Ms. Pam. If defines how I look at the world in many ways.
Pam, I agree. Being a mom does define your world view. And you’re so lucky that you were able to find a job where you could be so close to your kids.
I loved reading all these comments. Everyone has such an interesting perspective!!!
I just love that women have a choice now. Whether it’s working, staying home, working part time or working from home. I know that 50 years ago my mother didn’t have the same choices as i have had.
Amen to that, Mary!!! Whatever path you choose, thank goodness we have options!
I think that to be a good (and effective) writer, one must have a fond appreciation of *all* kinds of interpersonal relationships! I’m a “non-mom”, but I cherish my roles as better half, daughter, BFF, super-auntie (godmom) and dedicated coworker, aka, layout slayer of all things quirky and unfathomable in InDesign. These are the connections in life that inspire stories and characters, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The people in my life come first, always. *Always.* (Psst! My tween goddaughter was the inspiration behind one of the young characters in my series — I haven’t told her this yet, of course, but I’m sure she’ll be thrilled, ’cause she’s just cool like that!)
Yes, Lisa, you said it perfectly! Whoever we are as people, that affects our writing! This is especially true in all the sub-genres that fall under the Women’s Fiction umbrella. It’s the relationship between people that is important!
I guess I can’t separate the two because I never stop being a mother or a writer. I will say though that the conference was such a much-needed break from the day-to-day mothering stuff. I missed my family desperately, but it was so nice to get away. I came home feeling refreshed, not only as a writer, but as a mother too. Frankly I can’t imagine going to conference and not talking about my family – I mean I think I’d have to make a concerted effort to omit them.
Yeah, Robyn, me too. My mothering-self is important to the emotion of my writing, but it’s equally true that my mothering-self is important to my scheduling.
I’ve had the opposite experience, where I felt like all the talk was business, and I wanted to know how other moms/wives managed. That’s one reason I started this blog. I wanted somewhere I could talk kids and writing and anything else. I think any topic can get tiresome, but I certainly think sharing our lives with one another is appropriate.
Yes, Shana, that’s what I love about this blog! I’m so glad you came up with the idea for it!
Me, too! Fabulous idea, Shana!
I think being a Mom is several full-time jobs all-in-one! Household cleaner, 24 hour on-call chef, story-teller, singer, arts and crafts teacher, 24 hours on-call nurse especially when the kids are sick, personal shopper, hair stylist, maid…. So it’s REALLY hard to separate the Mom part from your businness life- no matter what you do.
But as you wrote, being a mom has enriched my life so much that I really don’t want to separate my mom part from my life!
Oh, May, you said a mouthful there! It’s so true. Being a mother encompasses so much.
RWA 2012 was my first conference and, for me, I felt it was a healthy balance of writing and family. I didn’t mind if the conv went too much into family or into writing. As a stay-at-home w/ three young kiddos, ANY adult time is greatly appreciated, no matter the subject–save for laundry, that is!!
I love visiting here for the very same reason Shana started the blog. My kids might make my brain flip circles, but I’m kind of attached, so I guess I’ll keep ‘em. The laundry? Not so much! lol
Lol!
Btw, if you find a way to keep the kids and get rid of the laundry, let me know!!
I feel that being mom and writer is just who I am. Even though I’m not published, they are both big parts of my life (what I do and think about most). I enjoy talking to other writers about how they balance both because that is my main struggle right now. And it’s nice to know that others struggle with it too. Oddly enough, I didn’t feel like I talked about my family as much at conference this year (mostly with new people I met). On one hand it was nice because this was my first real break from my kids in over 2 years, but I feel that’s where real connections are made – when others are going through the same things you are.
Yes, I think you’re right. We connect with the people we have things in common with. At conference, presumably, we all love romance. So we all have that connection. We all love writing and books. Beyond that, everything is fair game.
I feel like being the mom of three kids and being a writer are defining elements of who I am — and I end up writing fiction about the challenges I face in my personal life! At conferences, I enjoying hearing about how different writers integrate their writing into their home lives; it seems everyone has an interesting twist on how to do it.