This weekend we had my daughter’s seventh birthday party.
It seems impossible for me to believe that she’s actually seven! (But that’s a post for another day.) Mostly, today, I just want to comment on the craziness that is kids birthday parties in modern America. I’ve now hosted eleven of these events (some much smaller than others). We been to way more. So, raise your hand if you think kids’ parties are crazy these days…. yeah, me too. (I’m just pretending you agree with me.)
For my most families we know, the rule seems to be invite everyone in the child’s class at school. Also invite friends from sports and other activities. Which means we’ve been to parties with upwards of forty kids. As for the execution of the party, the crazier and more elaborate the better. We once went to a party with a petting zoo (complete with spitting camel!) and a face painter. Once, there was a petting zoo (:-(but no camel), a bounce house and a mobile food cart (which provided roasted corn, snow cones, cotton candy and funnel cake). This year, my daughter attended a Justin Bieber themed party where there was a team of professional party hosts who taught the girls Justin Bieber dance moves and they put on a show at the end of the party. Seriously.
I think all of those parties were just a little crazy over-the-top. It may sound like I’m being too judgemental. I’m not meaning to. Families have to what’s right for them and their kids. And just because most of us live in a world with out barn animals in our daily lives, that doesn’t mean our kids don’t crave that experience. And my kids loved riding that shetland pony. And it’s also true that we don’t go to many carnivals, so my kids got a huge kick out of the food cart with the snow cones and cotton candy.
But I also think you gotta know your limits. After 7 years of hosting these parties, I can freely pass on this one bit of advice: know your limits. Know where the line is. For me, I’m on one side of the line, Justin Bieber is on the other.
My good friend, Hattie (who is, coincidentally, Robyn’s mom), once told me you should have no more than the age of the child, plus one. Given that rule (which I think is a brilliant rule), we were aiming for eight kids. About four families brought younger or older sibs (which was absolutely fine), so we had 12 kids total. I thought that number was manageable. But just barely. I wouldn’t have wanted any more kids. Seriously. More than that and I would have started freaking out a bit. Even with the eight to twelve adults, I was quite nervous about having that many kids running around. At the end of a birthday party, I always breath a huge sigh of relief. No one got hurt. No one got lost. Forget whether or not anyone had fun. No one died. That’s enough for me.
How do you feel about birthday parties?
Emily McKay loves to cook, bake and play with her kids. When she’s not on deadline, she also gardens, composts, follows celebrity gossip, and practices yoga. When she is on deadline, she … well, she panics, and does all of those things with more nervous energy. She lives in central Texas with her husband, two kids, zen cat, and two dogs.
As a kid, birthday’s were family events, and just close family. It always made birthday intimiate and I never wanted to have the big parties my friends had. And so far I’ve done the same with my children. (although the eldest is only 3 so she’s only just getting the concept of birthdays anyway. )
I think you were very brave having 12 kids plus adults!
Now that we’re seven years in, I’m kind of wishing we had kept birthdays to just family and very close friends. That sounds like a really nice plan.
Of course, we don’t much family nearby and our closest friends (Robyn and her family) didn’t live here when my daughter was young, so I guess it wouldn’t have worked out. But, gosh, that does sound nice! Plus, maybe family would believe you if you said, “Please, no gifts!” Or maybe not.
Most of my family are little way away. For Ellie’s birthday we saw my parents, so there was a total of six people. So when I say small i really mean it. For Nancy’s we saw my husbands parents. Most of my family are fairly shy and the girls are no exception, I’m afraid. So if we invite too many they just disappear beneath my skirts!
Oh, yeah, my sister’s kids were like that. *I* was like that as a kid. I don’t know how I got these little social butterflies for kids. My son can befriend anyone. It’s a little unnerving, actually.
We did bigger parties when my firstborn was a little guy, but fortunately, we were in a pretty crunchy crowd and could get away with parties at the park where we just made crafts and looked at bugs. When he got older, but his birthday party meltdowns didn’t go away (he’s on the autism spectrum), I finally nixed parties in favor of day trips. He gets to bring one friend on a family day trip of his choice.
With the youngers, we’ve carefully cultivated the idea that one doesn’t have a “friends” party every year.
And I’m always looking for excuses to whittle down the guest list. The four-year-old invited just the boys from his preschool class last year. Sorry, girls–you were the victims of my arbitrary numbers-limiting scheme!
And poor #4 just had some lame Bundt cake dh brought home, and nary a present–because we finally figured out that kids really won’t remember their first birthdays! Of course, I’m sure her siblings will tell her how inferior it was in years to come, and I will pay…
LOL on the lame Bundt cake. First birthday parties are really all for the parents. “Hooray! You survived the first year!”
To me, kids don’t have enough opportunities to just look at bugs! Anyone else read Last Child in the Woods?
Oh, yes. It is getting crazy. Spa parties, limos, and more. What will these kids have ton look forward to for Prom, weddings, etc.? And I don’t know how not to invite like 10 kids because I don’t want to upset the parents.
Yeah, I did invite one kid because I didn’t want to upset the parent. But I really like the kid and the parent, even if she’s not a close friend of my daughters. But she’s a great kid, so I wish they were closer.
But at some point it is more about who your kids wants to invite, so then you don’t have to worry as much about insulting parents.
Birthdays in my family have always been family get-togethers. It was that way with me and my brother and has been that way with our children. My nephew, who turned 7 Saturday, got a surprise of his little life this past weekend. My daughter got married on Saturday, his birthday, and he was in the wedding. She had a cake made just for him and during the reception the DJ announced it and everyone sang to him. Of course he turned beet red but I think it was such a special thing that my daughter did that for him since we didn’t have a normal B-Day for him. I guarantee it will be one he will never forget.
That’s so much fun! I bet he had just the best birthday ever!
How come I never get invited to parties like that?? LOL
LOL!
But there is this weird level of competitiveness. It’s like a contest for the parent. Who can throw the best party?
Yes, the partys arr becoming insane w/ mote focus on the pary than the child and theyre special day. This year alone we’ve been to a pool party at an indoor rented pool w/ a hawaiian theme where each child got a gift from the birthday girl along w/ leis and sand buckets full of treats and there was about 15 kids (only because there was a limit at the facility) a skating party at a nearby skating rink w/ about 20-25 kids, and one home party w/ about 10 kids but there was a bounce house n an all out no holds barred st. Patricks day theme. In years passed we have been to a princess make over party where the girls dressed up had their hair done and glitter makeup done w/ crowns and jewelry, skate parties, bowling parties, a pirate party where they where dressed up like pirates had a homemade ship where they ate and played games and a sand beach area to dig for treasure w/ tons of little toys (treasure) burried for them to find, and pizza parties at places like play time pizza and chuckecheese. I have the past couple of years been able to convince my kids of having a special day just for them. We have a small family party w/ cake n ice cream and presents and then I take them out to a very nice restaurant of their choice for dinner where they get to order anything they want and then we do a movie r something like that. It’s fun just as memorable if not more so and to me seems to be more intimate and special.
Millie, I definitely agree that the focus isn’t on the child anymore. When you’ve invited 40 kids, the birthday kid can’t even say hello to all the people there. It seems so much more sane to me to have a smaller crowd. (Btw, the description of the pirate party totally cracked me up!)
But, as I’m writing this, I wonder if this isn’t me just imposing my introvert’s view point on these parties. I’m such an introvert, *of course* I’d rather have a small party. I’d always rather sit around with three to ten friends and just talk.
My mother is so wise. It’s definitely our plan to do. Right now our girls are so young, we mostly invite our friends and their kids. Now that they’ve been in a Mother’s Day Out program though they actually have their friends so we’ll have some actual friends to invite. I haven’t yet experienced (first hand) the craziness of the b-day parties, but I’ve certainly heard about them. And frankly I think it’s asinine. Judge me if you will, but there’s no reason to spend that kind of money on small children. They’ll be just as happy with some balloons, four friends and some homemade cupcakes.
Most years we just have family–sometimes just our own little family. Only rarely did our kids have organized birthday parties, and when we did, it was just taking them bowling or to the local waterpark or the putt-putt golf place. Nothing huge.
I agree that birthday parties are way too cumbersome these days. The whole birthday party scene makes me cringe a little, esp. in light of that new, popular book on French kids and how well-behaved/happy/sweet they are compared to American kids because our kids are overindulged and put at the center of the family instead of the parents.
I think there’s a lot to that theory, although I hate to say that. But some of the parties I’ve witnessed are simply too much–esp. when the birthday kid doesn’t open the presents in front of the guests (sometimes there are too many presents to do that, which says that there shouldn’t have been so many guests, I believe).
Why? Because it’s extremely important for birthday kids to learn how to accept gifts graciously. They need to learn how not to balk at a certain gift that isn’t exactly what they wanted (I’ll never forget my daughter, at age 3, throwing a rag doll across the room, a doll her Nana had made for her–it was a great, and embarrassing, moment–she learned a lot–we never let her forget it, and we laugh to this day about it).
So anyway, kids need to learn to say thank you in a gracious way to their gift-givers. Not only that, it’s crucial that young gift-givers experience the pleasure of seeing the joy their gift-giving can bring to other people. As an adult, I love to be there when someone opens a gift I give them! How much more enjoyable is it for kids? They need to see that gift unwrapped.
So when the gifts are stuck in the corner, a lot of the best potential of that birthday party is lost, in my opinion.
The most important part of birthdays for our family are the small traditions we attach to them. Every year, we always have a homemade cake, and even if it is lopsided, that’s our special effort, and everyone enjoys it. We always cut it with my Irish crystal cake knife we used at out wedding. The cake is always served to the special person on the “My Special Day” plate that my dear friend made at a ceramic shop. When the birthday person wakes up in the morning, there is always a special gift at the breakfast table, something small to start their day off with a little treat. I always hang up the shiny “Happy Birthday” letters that are strung as a banner on the kitchen wall, and I make a homemade sign underneath. And the birthday boy or girl chooses what to have for dinner. It’s usually something fun like crab legs and hot dogs wrapped in Crescent rolls–whatever crazy smorgasbord they want, I make.
So that’s it for us. And as for presents, we open those after the cake. We don’t go overboard with those, either, but we definitely try to find a WOW gift each year, plus a few smaller ones.
Everyone has their own way of celebrating birthdays, and it’s a perfect opportunity to express your unique family traditions.