So one of the jobs of a parent is to teach your children social norms, how to interact with society, and hopefully, how to be polite and friendly person. And having a child with autism means this is an even bigger focus for my household because my kidlet doesn’t have that finely tuned sensor that picks up those social cues like a “typical” child would. So we work with my son on learning how to engage people, how to have a give and take conversation, and what things could be considered rude. It’s a painstaking process at times.
However, earlier this week I had to bring him to school instead of him riding the bus because they were going on a special field trip. And as I was waiting outside with him, other kids were streaming into the school for their normal day. Well, my dear kidlet saw a little boy walk by who looked to be kindergarten age–so probably a year older than him. And kidlet perked up and said, “Hi! How are you?” And I’m thinking–well, look at that, my son is reaching out and engaging a child. Score!
But then the kid turned his head and gave my kidlet this snotty, what’s-your-problem look. Of course, kidlet didn’t register that reaction. He just smiled and waved at the boy.
Then, not thirty seconds later, another boy–probably eight–pulled onto the sidewalk on his bike. Kidlet–always one to be excited by the simplest things–said, “Wow, I like that bike!” The kid rolled his eyes and said in a sarcastic tone, “Whatever. That was so three weeks ago.”
My jaw probably hit the grass. I kinda wanted to trip the kid right off that damn bike. He was old enough to see the child talking to him was all of four. And I was standing right there, holding kidlet’s hand.
And that’s when reality truly sank in–the world, especially in kid land, is mean and cruel. I’m trying to teach kidlet “social norms” but what if social norms mean being a bratty jerk? Here kidlet is being innocent and trying to practice what mommy and daddy are telling him are the “nice” things to do, and he’s shot down or ignored over and over again. It breaks my heart a little each time. I know it’s part of the deal. Kids certainly weren’t nice all the time in my childhood either. But it seems it’s only getting worse. Now they don’t even seem to keep it in check around adults.
It’s ugly and it’s sad. And it makes me want to build a cocoon around my sweet, innocent boy even though I know that’s not realistic or preparing him for the world at large. But knowing that he has deficits in those social areas makes me worry even more for him. He doesn’t have the tools to defend himself right now and probably won’t for a while–if ever. It’s like being thrown into war with a toothbrush when everyone else has machine guns.
But despite all that and all my worries, I have to say, I’m glad I have the polite child even if it come with lots of challenges. He may be an anomaly amongst his “normal” peers, but that doesn’t make the other kids behaviors the right ones. A lot of them could learn something from him.
*end rant*
I really did want to trip that kid.
How do you handle it when your child is picked on or other children shut them out? What social norms do you try to instill in your own children?
I’m Roni Loren, or as I’m called ‘round these parts, No Drama Mama. I’ve been married for ten years and have a four-year old son, who has recently been diagnosed with high-functioning autism. My days are spent writing very sexy romances (my PC way of saying erotic),avoiding all things housework, and hanging out with a kidlet who I suspect is vastly smarter than I am. I secretly dream of having a life that looks like the pages of Real Simple magazine, but would settle for Sorta Decent if could get there. My daily goal is to keep the drama on the pages of my books and out of my life–I’m successful at least twenty percent of the time. www.roniloren.com
Yes! Thank you! I feel exactly the same way. I have a very outgoing, social child. She is always running up to other kids and saying, “Hi, what’s your name?” She is just practicing what we’ve taught her. But they act like she’s an idiot. I know she is two and still a baby, but the older kids could at least humor her. But you’re right, Roni. The kid world is cruel, and it makes me want to wrap her up in a mommy cocoon too. Sigh. I wish they could keep all their sweet innocence a little longer.
I think that’s the hardest part, seeing your kidlet’s innocent, happy self get rained on. The window for innocent wonder is SO small already.
Ugh. Hugs to kidlet. The meanness seems to start so much earlier. I’ve watched my little guy (who is on his way to 3 y/o) try to make friends at the bookstore with other kids only to get the rude brush off.
You have to wonder what the kids are learning at home that they are losing that sweetness so quickly.
Exactly. I don’t want mine to lose that sweetness so soon.
Poor kidlet. While there are disgustingly rude little monsters on the loose, more and more of them it seems, there are still genuinely nice, innocent kids. Some of my favorite classmates in school were the kids who were just plain nice and comfortable to be around. Keep doing what you’re doing. Kidlet will be all the better for it and the snotty brats will be worse off in the long run.
Thanks and yes, I know they’re out there. I just worry for kidlet since he has few tools to defend himself at this point.
THAT, Roni. THAT EXACTLY. It happens to poor Drama at school as he tries to say hi to other kids, and on Easter, in Danger’s class at church, we were trying to help him figure out the Easter egg hunt. He was starting to get it, but the other kids would race in front of him and steal the egg he was about to grab. In the end, all the kids had bags filled with candy and eggs. Danger had two eggs. I was SO ANGRY and I had to remember, they’re four. They didn’t see him struggling. Blindly racing after candy is what four year olds do. But it hurt and I wanted to steal their candy back.
So I don’t have a tip or a trick. Except, keep resisting the urge to punch small children. People frown on that.
Aww, that breaks my heart about the Easter Eggs. Poor, Drama. I would’ve been angry too. And damn, I can’t punch small children? What fun are you? ;P
My daughter is very sweet, and we’ve had some of those encounters. She is almost ten, and I think she is more aware of the rudeness, but she never lets it bother her. I think the most important thing you can teach kids (and ourselves) is that you can not control the way other people behave. Many people even adults chose to be rude, and we can chose to avoid, ignore it or confront it. I love the poem the Desiderata , and keep this in mind when dealing with rude people “Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.” Also, I have tried to teach her that people when people are rude, that it has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with them.
That’s a great perspective to take. We definitely can’t control others’ behavior, just ours and how we respond to it.
I know, I know. I have been through the same thing with my child on the spectrum. Poor kidlet. I am trying very hard to feel sympathy for the other kids, who feel they have to be cool at age 5 or 8. (I’m not quite pulling it off, but I’m trying.)
I love what Gayle said–so important, and so hard, to learn that no matter what *we* do, some people will choose to be rude. Or just mean. Or whatever.
I hear ya. I tell myself “they’re just kids” and know they are only imitating what they’ve seen from peers or at home, but it’s still hard to take when it’s your kid on the receiving end.
Roni, I totally agree with you that the world is producing a lot of rude children, and my polite kids are rapidly becoming the minority! But is it any wonder? Look at the rude adults who abound…on the highway, in stores, in ANY public place!
Quite frankly, it doesn’t get better as they age. You’re going to find the kids in middle school and high school so without manners, you’ll be shocked. Which is why I DID homeschool!!! My guy on the autistic spectrum wasn’t getting any compassion or understanding from his classmates–however, I mainly blamed the teachers for that. The teachers set the tone for the classroom. I know when I taught I wouldn’t tolerate the slightest diss in my room. I didn’t care how rudely that child had been brought up.
(The core blame belongs with the parents, of course–the teachers have a huge role, but the buck stops with the parents).
Eventually, we quit homeschooling (we actually only did it a year-and-a-half) because we moved, and my son wanted a fresh start. He wound up in some good classrooms with angel teachers who wouldn’t tolerate bullying or meanness, and then he wound up with some who were slackers.
My point is, rudeness is everywhere, and you just have to hold your head up and teach your kids not to give in to a culture that is rapidly appearing to value self-centeredness above caring for others.
Good luck, and God bless your friendly boy!!!
Thanks, Kieran. And I know it only gets worse from here. I remember middle school–it was highly traumatic. Ugh. And I’ve already warned my husband and mother that over the next 15 years, they should expect that there are going to be times I’ll be ready to pull kidlet out of school and homeschool him. I told them to just listen to me and that it will probably never happen, but expect that I will have those times, lol.
Homeschooling is one of my kids’ favorite memories! I’ll have to write a post on it. It was heaven.
But I will say–as for those impolite kids out there, they are craving to be put on the right path, and I do it with kindness and love–I’m very motherly to all of them, esp. the “bad” ones whenever I substitute teach (and when I used to teach full-time). The so-called bad ones lap up the love like a kitten with a bowl of cream. I STILL have those kids, when they see me, expecting a big hug and some warm words.
So even though I despair sometimes about the increasingly bad manners I see, I try to remember that it’s never too late to demonstrate through my example the power of love through good manners. Good manners give everyone dignity, especially the one who displays them–and that’s something those lost kids were never taught, that showing good manners isn’t a sign of weakness. It will make them feel better about themselves! They’ll be stronger for showing them and more able to navigate the rough shoals of life.
Middle school and high school were hard. My elder daughter has homeschooled most of those years, but the younger one is finishing 10th grade. While they’ve both met many wonderful kids, we’ve known some awful ones too. The casual rudeness of ignoring a kid (never when they think their parents are watching, mind you) to kids who outright taunted and shunned other kids.
It’s difficult to watch, even if your own child isn’t on the receiving end of it. But for me the biggest challenge has been trying to teach my kids to be polite and still know how to stand up for themselves when things call for it. I’m still not sure I’ve got it right. But so far I haven’t hit any kids.
Good for you, Julia. Once when my oldest son was 16 and his dad was in Afghanistan, I chased that boy out of the house and down the street with a broom and tried to whack him on the butt with the straw end, in full view of the neighbors. Who knows what DSS would say about that?!? Oh, the neighbors still talk about it!!!! It was Kieran Gone Wild with Mom Frustration. But my son and I (and the neighbors) laugh about it to this day. :>)
I’m crazy late to this blog. I only found you guys this morning, Robyn DeHart posted today’s on FB, so now I’m following.
My son is nine, he has severe autism, he’s non-verbal, not potty trained etc. A couple of years ago I had to call in my advocate because the school he was attending refused to allow him in the building. His classroom was next to an exit and he was only allowed to enter through that door and go straight to class. He wasn’t even allowed in the cafeteria. On another occasion I had gone to pick him early and was directed to the gym. While the other kids were playing, my son was locked in the closet. Needless to say, we pulled him out and they say very ugly things about me now.
And last year, my brother was babysitting for me and took him to Wal-Mart, where he has a meltdown everytime. In the middle of his meltdown, a woman and her child walks down the aisle. She grabbed her child close and said don’t touch him, he’s retarded. Before it was over, the police were called and my son banned from the store. It’s not children I have a problem with, it’s the adults who should absolutely know better!!